Crossover Crazy
by kezztip
Summary: Hyde and Jackie become engaged on Hyde’s condition that they wait until Jackie can pay for her dream wedding. Each chapter will be a crossover to a different TV show as Jackie does her utmost to hasten her wedding day. Now up FRIENDS
1. Prologue

CROSSOVER CRAZY

Disclaimer: Don't own and am not profiting from either That '70s Show or any of the other shows that I'll be taking the mickey out of in the following chapters.

Pairing: J/H

**Summary: This is a J/H story which starts off with a happier ending to Season 7's Take it or Leave It. Hyde and Jackie become engaged on Hyde's condition that they wait until Jackie can afford her dream wedding. Hyde thinks this will buy him a long engagement, underestimating Jackie's single-minded resolve. Each chapter will be a cross-over to a different favourite TV show of mine, the common thread being Jackie's attempts at finding a way to make her dream wedding a reality. I intend this to be pure fun and minimum angst – a bit of light relief from that teenage soap opera I'm in the middle of. Also, I will completely ignore time settings and geography because I figure this is TV land and reality is what you make of it. The chapter titles will take the name of the crossover show.**

**Are you ready? Here we go!**

PROLOGUE

"I don't think we're gonna find the answers to our problems in a keg of beer." Eric said to his friends sitting in a beer circle, each holding a tap to a keg. A look of revelation suddenly lit up his face. "Unless… they're at the _bottom _so drink up!"

"Reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb," Hyde said. "It goes… something something something… crazy girlfriend…. something something… drink lots of beer."

"What's his problem?" Charlie the new guy said in an under-voice to Eric.

"Oh, his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum – marry her or she'd take a job offer in Chicago. I keep telling him, he never should have played her game. When Donna tried to ultimatum me, I was all 'yeah, you go date other guys, missy, but I'm a grown man and I can go to Africa if I want to so there!"

Kelso turned towards his conflicted friend. "Hyde, speaking as a man who has been in your exact same position may I repeat my earlier advice – RUN!"

"Yeah, run out on her and end up like you – all alone with a Jackieless future but one that is well on the way to leaving behind a string of illegitimate children from one night stands. Good luck with that."

"Really, Hyde, I would not have thought this would be such a difficult decision for you," Fez said as soon as he could talk after hosing a cascade of beer into his mouth. "Don't you remember how sad and lovesick you were when you and Jackie last broke up?"

"He was lovesick?" the new guy, Charlie, asked, finding that concept hard to imagine on the slightly threatening tough guy to his left.

"I was _not _sad and lovesick," Hyde objected.

"He was, you know."

"It was pathetic."

"Like a little puppy."

"Shut up! Look, I know I don't want her to go and… I guess I know I want her in my future. But marriage? I'm not ready for that, man. It's so… grown up and establishment." Hyde said with a shudder.

"Well, there is a compromise you could consider," Charlie offered. "Why not ask her to marry you on condition that you have a long engagement?"

The four young men gazed in amazement at the clean cut newcomer. Was that an actual sane and reasonable suggestion? And was it really made in a substance-abusing circle? This was a new first.

"My God, that's just crazy enough to work," Hyde exclaimed with rising excitement. "Yeah, I'll ask her to give me five years or so… maybe seven, don't want to rush it. What?" he said as his three oldest friends shot him doubtful looks.

"Do you really see Jackie waiting seven years?" Eric asked. "I think you've forgotten the spawn of Satan's modus operandi. Remember how set you were on not going to meet your real father until you felt ready? And how Jackie broke you in just a couple of weeks by constantly nagging you until you said you would just to stop her continuous yapping?"

"Ah yes, the old nag and wear down trick," Kelso said with a reminiscent smile. "Man, that takes me back. You know, that tongue of hers made me buckle to most of the dorkiest things I've ever done in my life. Remember the Fonzie jacket?"

"That was a good one," they nodded in agreement.

"Damn, you're right," Hyde said, falling back into despondency. "Unless… yes! I know how to make her agree to a long engagement." Hyde stood up from his chair purposefully. "Gentlemen, I have a crazy girlfriend to propose to but before I go, I'd like to thank that certain someone who has shown me the way out of the snake pit."

"That's OK, Hyde," Charlie replied with charming modesty.

Hyde ignored him and brought the beer tap to his lips, kissing its dripping nozzle affectionately. "Oh sweet nectar of the Gods, you have brought me home once again." With a "So long, suckers," he strode out of the beer warehouse to his destiny.

……………………………………………………………

"Jackie, I'm sure Hyde will do the right thing," Donna reassured her best friend (and co-founder of their newly formed band, The Sandy Sandals).

"You know, I thought if I really put myself out there he'd see how much I love him and say yes right away," Jackie said sadly. "And then when he didn't I thought, OK, maybe he'll take a couple of hours and then say yes. Now I think he's only taking so long because he's gonna say no."

Hyde, walking into Donna's smoke filled bedroom, was moved by the honest emotion in his girlfriend's voice. "Jackie, one good thing about me is I don't make the same mistake twice," he said from behind her. "Especially when that mistake was only a couple of months ago and still pretty fresh in my mind."

"Steven," Jackie cried, jumping up to face him.

"So this time when you're asking me if I see a future with you, I'm gonna go with a yes." He smirked to see the hopeful smile that lit her face. It felt good to be the reason for that smile.

"Oh Steven," she breathed, "Are you saying you want… oh, please say the words, Steven! I'm so sick of doing all the work myself when it comes to proposals."

"Oh alright," he caved. "Jackie Burkhart, I ask you now before all the world and Donna, will you join with me on a permanent basis for a future of under-achievement, hot fights and hotter make-up sex?"

"I will," Jackie cried joyfully, launching her body at him so aggressively he fell back onto the bed.

"Wow, congratulations, you guys," Donna said, wondering if this was really happening or she had taken one too many hits. But then the way they ignored her and started frenching each other like the draft board was waiting outside to take Hyde away, that was too typical of them to be fantasy. When Hyde's hands started wandering to places on Jackie Donna didn't want bared to her eyes, she quickly made her exit.

_Two hours later…_

"Oh Steven, I am so happy," Jackie said, her head lying contentedly on his chest. As she listened to his heartbeat she put her hand over her own heart and was thrilled to find they were both keeping the same time.

"Well, if I'd known you were gonna do _that _if I asked you to marry me, you'd have been the only Junior at high school with a husband." Hyde stroked her arm as he floated on one of the best sexual highs of his life.

"I'm going to be so busy tomorrow," Jackie mused. "I have to start checking out caterers and registering us at the best stores. Plus I need to find out how to book the stallions we will ride to our wedding on that Hawaiian beach. Although I'm thinking now perhaps a castle would be more fitting than a beach… it's much more in line with my whole aura, you know, and then we could do like a medieval theme with jousting and sword fights. You know Michael and Fez would love that. Then I have to find just the right diamond tiara to shine against the midnight beauty of my hair – "

"Jackie," Hyde interrupted. "About that. You see, I probably should have mentioned there's just one little proviso to this whole engagement/marriage thing. I'm not paying for the wedding."

"What?" Jackie cried, her head snapping up. "What do you mean you're not paying for it?"

"First off, it would be a complete sell out for me to put a cent of my money into that commercialised clap-trap which is all one huge money stealing conspiracy run by reception hall and bridal shop corporations. Secondly, I don't believe in spending a small fortune on a huge glorified party which you don't get to really enjoy anyway because you're too unnerved about having everybody you know watch you recite some embarrassingly personal promises to each other and just waiting for you to mess up. And lastly, it's tradition that the bride's family pays for the wedding and you've always said you wanted a traditional wedding."

"Not that traditional," Jackie whined. "I can't believe this, Steven! I have dreamed about my perfect wedding since I was 5 years old and there is no way you're going to take that away from me."

"Hey, I'm not taking anything away from you," Hyde said, raising his hands in a gesture of innocence. "I didn't say you couldn't have your fancy wedding, just that I wasn't going to pay for it."

"Really? And where am I supposed to come up with that kind of money, Steven? In case you've forgotten, I'm not exactly the richest girl in Point Place anymore." Jackie's lip pouted in petulant frustration. "Although if there was any justice in this world I would be."

"I know, baby," Hyde humoured her, rubbing her back soothingly. "Look, now you've finished school you'll be getting a job. You just need to put a little aside out of your pay each week and in a few years time, you'll have enough for that special might-as-well-just-burn-the-cash day."

"You're not going to budge on this, are you?" Jackie realised, narrowing her eyes at her fiance.

"Fair's fair, Jackie. I'm giving in on the whole marriage thing. You have to meet me halfway on this one little detail."

Jackie sighed gustily, but knew this was not the time to push the issue. After all, the most important thing was she had finally caught her man. She would find a way around this annoying rider he had tacked onto the agreement.

"Fine," she said. "But we are going ring shopping tomorrow morning and you'd better reach for your wallet when that happens, buddy."

"Well, that all depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you're gonna do that thing you did before," Hyde said with a smirk.

Jackie raised an eyebrow. "Will you buy me a 2 carat diamond?" she bargained.

"Can you make it worth 2 carats?"

Jackie's reply was a sultry smile as she kissed her way downwards.

……………………………………………………………

"I've got to hand it to you, making Jackie pay for the wedding is pure genius," Eric congratulated with an approving nod.

"Yep," Hyde said with a satisfied smirk. "That's what I do. Make tough life choices look easy."

"But what if she said she'd give up the expensive wedding and settle for something affordable?" Charlie asked. "Weren't you taking a risk there?"

The four basement old-timers stared at the dewy-eyed stranger just prior to bursting into gales of laughter.

"Man, you _really_ don't know Jackie," Kelso guffawed.

"The beauty of it is I've left it in her control so she can't bug me about it," Hyde explained. "If she wants to get married sooner, she just has to earn more money. And everyone knows those first few years in a job you get payed slave wages and have hardly anything left over after paying the rent and utilities. Especially for a high school graduate. Looks like our wedding will coincide with the ushering in of the nineties."

"That's if she can even get a job in this small town," Eric said. "I mean, this isn't Chicago. Who's going to hire someone whose only talent is looking good?"

"Steven, I've found a job," Jackie yelled as she ran down the basement stairs clutching a newspaper. "And the best thing is I'm going to be paid just because of my extraordinary good looks!"

"Wow," Eric marvelled. "What were the odds she'd come in and say that just now?"

"What? What the hell are you talking about?" Hyde demanded, a slight note of panic in his voice.

"Look at this ad in the personals section. _Wanted, petite brunette, must be highly attractive, required for modelling work. Apply to Seth Cohen_. I mean, it's like it was written about me! This could be my big break, Steven, the start of my meteoric rise to fame in the modelling world. And you know the top models get like ten, twenty thousand dollars for one day's work. With this face, you and I will be married in a fortnight! Isn't that fantastic?"

"Super," Hyde croaked.

"Ah, it is so much fun watching you make life decisions, my friend," Fez said with a wicked smile. "Ah burn!"

"Y'know, Jackie, maybe you shouldn't rush into this thing," Hyde said. "I mean, an ad in the personals section? That sounds kind of suspect."

"Don't worry, Steven. I can tell this is above board from the address – see? It's in Wisconsin's own little rich and famous sanctuary – Ochre County."

"Cool!" Kelso said. "Welcome to the O.C., bitch." Everybody just looked at him. "What? I always wanted to say that."

**A.N. Up next – The O.C.**

**Please let me know what you think – I love reviews!**


	2. The OC

A.N.Thanks for the reviews so far – I'm glad people are so enthusiastic about this new fanfic concept. Just a little warning now, I'm not planning on churning this story out at any kind of frequency so don't go expecting weekly updates. However, each chapter will be an episode to itself so I promise not to leave you hanging off any cliffs. Enjoy!

As Jackie stood on the doorstep of a beautiful modern mansion, she nervously wondered what awaited her behind its doors. On the one hand, the fact that this modelling shoot was at a private residence was definitely reason to have the mace spray in her purse at the ready. But then again, this house was in the O.C. If you were dripping with old money and wanted the swankiest residence in the Kenosha area, Ochre County was the place to live. And besides, whoever heard of great wealth and corruption coexisting? With a resolute nod, Jackie reached out and rang the doorbell.

Expecting a maid or a butler, she was surprised when a darkly handsome man with eyebrows like two twin caterpillars duking it out on his forehead opened the door, nothing servile in his manner. He looked at her inquiringly."

"Hi, I'm Jackie Burkhart. I'm here about the modelling position. Are you Seth Cohen?"

"That would be my son," the man replied, staring at Jackie. "Well, well, well… I've got a feeling he's going to be pleased with you."

"Your son? But you don't look old enough to have a world famous fashion photographer for a son. Exactly how old is Seth?"

"Older than my years, my dear," a young man said as he sauntered into the lobby, one hand casually lodged in his dressing gown pocket. She noted he had curly black hair, a thin but mobile face and the longest eyelashes she had ever seen on a boy. But that robe was making her feet itch to run back out the front door.

"OK, I'm supposed to be here to be immortalised on film, not as a candidate for some sick Playboy Mansion scenario."

"What? Oh, the robe! Don't worry, this has nothing to do with my intentions towards you."

"That's true," his father contributed. "He's just incredibly lazy. I mean, the idea that he would even try to seduce you, that's just… well, you'd have to know Seth to realise how ludicrous that is."

"He's my own private cheering section," Seth said ironically, gesturing towards his Dad.

"Now, you know I didn't mean it like that. After all, last year was a big year for you, girl-wise. First there was Anna, then there was Summer, and lately you've been getting cosy with that blonde you work for – now, she looks like she'd be pretty feisty between the – "

"Dad!" his son cut him short.

"It's the Cohen genes," his proud father explained.

"Come on, Jackie. I'll show you to my studio."

Deciding that this Seth Cohen had a harmless Eric-like quality, Jackie acquiesced. "So, which magazines have you worked for? Vogue? Cosmo?"

"Magazines? Like photography? Oh, that's not the kind of modelling I had in mind." Seth ushered her into a glassed-in room separated from the house and overlooking a swimming pool.

"What other kind is there?" Jackie asked, perplexed.

"The truest form of modelling. The kind Picasso and Lautrec employed and which made Montparnesse the legend of Paris. The oldest and most challenging kind of modelling – real life drawing."

Jackie processed this ramble. "You mean you're an artist?"

"Exactly! An artist of the most significant yet most undervalued medium – cartoons."

"Right, I'm out of here."

"Wait," Seth cried, halting her retreat. "I promise, modelling for me will give you a greater fame than having your picture snapped for some fashion catalogue. Think about it – magazine models are just pretty faces but cartoon models are characters with stories behind them. The people who read my graphic novel are going to fall in love with you, Jackie!"

Jackie paused in her getaway, undecided. "Well, that would be nice but I think the most important issue is… will you make me look hot?"

"Will I… just have a look at these," Seth said, pulling out a sketch pad. He flipped through a variety of pages of strange comic book heroes with such labels as "Kid Chino" and "The Ironist" until he stopped at a stunningly sexy brunette with the caption "Little Miss Vixen".

"Wow," Jackie said, impressed. "These are really good. And this Vixen character is almost as hot as I am. Looks a lot like me, too."

"I know. I based her on my ex-girlfriend, who you bear a spooky resemblance to. That's why you are the most perfect applicant for the job I've met. So how about it, Jackie – are you ready to become a cult heroine?"

"Well…"

"It pays 20 bucks per hour."

"So, is the light over here good for you?" Jackie responded, taking off her coat and striking a pose.

……………………………………………………………

"So Hyde," Kelso asked, winking at Fez. "I wonder how Jackie's first day of modelling went."

"What do I care?" Hyde grumped, continuing to stare at the TV.

"I would not be surprised if Jackie is already signing a million dollar contract," Fez said to Kelso. "Ah, I can taste the wedding cake now."

"Whatever."

Just then Jackie breezed into the basement. As soon as Hyde saw her he jumped to attention and blurted, "How much does it pay? Did you sign anything?"

Jackie stared at her fiance for a moment and then smirked as a good role reversal burn popped into her head.

"Damn, Steven, do you have to start in on me as soon as I walk through the door?"

Kelso turned to Hyde. "You have the right to remain BURNED!"

"So how did it go, Jackie?" Fez asked.

"It wasn't what I was expecting, I have to say," Jackie admitted as she took her seat on Hyde's lap. "When I went to the address in the ad and found it was a private residence, and then when my employer interviewed me wearing a bath robe, I was starting to feel kind of freaked out."

"Whoa! This sounds like the beginning of one of those Penthouse letters," Kelso said.

Hyde's grip on Jackie tightened as she told her story. "What the hell! I hope you turned around and got your ass out of there."

"No, he turned out to be a nice guy, kind of geeky but likeable. But get this – it wasn't a modelling shoot with a camera. Seth is writing a graphic novel and wants to draw me from real life. I am going to be a superhero!"

"No way!"

"Awesome!"

"Look – he drew this sketch for me to keep as a memento," Jackie said, pulling out of her pocket a sketch of herself wearing her skin tight superhero costume. Hyde perused the picture with misgiving.

"Since when are hot pants the standard issue for fighting crime?"

At the words "hot pants" Kelso and Fez rushed over to look at the picture. "Jackie, you make one smoking superhero!" Kelso congratulated her.

Fez said nothing but just looked kind of anxious. Hyde noticed and sighed.

"You know where the bathroom is," he said. Fez nodded and sprinted upstairs.

"Where's Donna?" Jackie asked, looking around the basement for her best friend.

"Ever since Eric left for Africa, she's gone underground," Kelso explained, his eyes still glued to the cartoon drawing. Jackie nodded in understanding.

"Look, Jacks, I'm not so keen on the idea of having my fiance posing in a skimpy outfit for a guy in his bathrobe to perv at."

"He's an artist, Steven," Jackie said, rolling her eyes. "And it pays good money, every cent of which will bring our wedding day that much closer."

"Yeah, well, he knows you're engaged, right?"

"Steven, you know I'm not telling people I'm engaged until I can show them my engagement ring. There's nothing more desperate and unconvincing than a girl who says 'no, really, I am engaged, I just don't have the ring yet.'"

"I bought that ring a week ago! Why don't you just wear the damn thing!"

"Because," Jackie said, growing angry, "you have to give it to me in a romantic way that I can tell our grandchildren about! Since the story of your proposal now has an X-rating on it, I have to be able to tell them something that won't scar them for life."

"Jackie, if you're waiting for me to go all hearts and flowers, then that ring finger of yours is never going to have a tan line."

"Well, then, I guess you'll just have to get used to unsuspecting guys hitting on me," Jackie shot back. So saying, she kissed Hyde goodbye and made her way over to Donna's house to brighten her depression with a little Jackie magic. As soon as she was gone, Hyde turned to Kelso.

"Kelso, I need you to go to this guy's place with Jackie tomorrow."

"Why?"

"So you can check him out and make sure he's on the level. You've got so much experience trying to snake Jackie away from me, I figure you'd be able to recognise it if someone else tries it."

"Good point," Kelso admitted. "Alright, I guess I could go along and watch Jackie getting into all kinds of interesting positions in that teeny little costume. Ow! Damn it, Hyde!"

"Get this, dillhole – it's this Cohen guy you'll be watching, not my girlfriend!"

"Fine," Kelso said sulkily. "So what do I do if he tries anything?"

"Just be yourself, man," Hyde answered.

"You think that's a good idea? Whenever I'm myself, things tend to blow up or burn down. And then that'll screw up Jackie's new career."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

……………………………………………………………

At first Seth had been undecided at the idea of having Jackie's lanky friend chaperoning her, but once Kelso confided his deep love of comic books and proved to be knowledgable on all Spiderman, Superman and Batman trivia, he was quickly admitted to the ranks of Seth's best friends. He also proved to be useful as an extra model.

"OK, Michael, in this shot Little Miss Vixen is going to karate kick Graiko the dog faced demon right in his ugly mug. Now, Jackie, you just kick him a few times so I can imprint it on my sensory memory."

"Like this?" Jackie swung her foot in an arc, sweeping up to Kelso's chin.

"Ow! Damn, Jackie!"

"Very good. A few more times – and make it real. I want to feel his pain."

"But I don't," Kelso whined.

"Shut up, Michael! Remember our old dream of being models together."

It was during the fifth kick to Kelso's sorry face that an exceptionally good looking young man wearing a wifebeater came in through the sliding glass door.

"Uh, Seth, why is there a superhero battling evil in my bedroom?"

"Jackie, Michael, I'd like to introduce you to my brother in spirit and the wind beneath my wings, Kid Chino himself, Ryan Atwood." Seth initiated a muted little hand clap which sadly was not picked up by anyone else. Ryan continued to look askance at his foster brother. "Ryan, I have decided to make your digs the birthplace of Atomic County, which will be the first graphic novel to ever be turned into an Oscar winning movie. Just think, 20 years from now this place will be a shrine to my genius – they'll conduct tour groups through here."

"And it has to be my bedroom because…"

"The light is better here. Plus I get less parental interruptions."

"Are you guys going to argue all day or can we get back to work?" Jackie complained, hands on her hips. Ryan did a double take, before turning to Seth.

"Man, Seth, you're never gonna get over Summer if you're bringing in life-size replicas of her."

"Jackie fits the character's profile," Seth replied snottily.

"Yeah, and the profile is Summer," Ryan argued.

"Alright, who the hell is this Summer, anyway?" Jackie demanded, not liking the implication that she was less than unique.

"God, no," Ryan groaned, collapsing onto his bed. "You did not just ask him who Summer is! That's like reading the Mummy curse aloud from the Book of the Dead with the sarcophagus in spitting distance."

"Don't listen to him, Jackie. He's just jealous because my love story is so much more poignant and tragic than his."

"Yeah, right, you ditched her to go sailing for two months, that's a real tearjerker."

"Hey, at least I didn't get another girl pregnant and break my girlfriend's heart only to have it all come to nothing and come back to find Marissa is getting it on with her mother's gardener."

"Why did you run out on your girlfriend?" Jackie asked Seth with a frown. "If you loved her, why would you do that?"

"I get it, man," Kelso said sympathetically. "She wanted to get married, right? Don't worry, you did the right thing." Jackie regarded her first boyfriend with narrowed eyes and then brought her foot around with lightning speed.

"Damn, Jackie! Seth wasn't even sketching you that time!"

"Well, I'll be happy to do it again," she said sweetly.

"No, Michael, it wasn't fear of commitment that drove me away," Seth confessed with a sad sigh. As his hand flew over his sketch pad his tongue flew over his eight-year long love affair with the unobtainable brunette who by some miracle one day became obtainable. Ryan lay on his bed holding a pillow over his ears to shut out the oft-repeated tale, occasionally interjecting a laconic comment.

"So you see," Seth finished, one and a half hours later, "that the love Summer and I shared truly was something rare and beautiful and I know one day she will realise that and dump Zach and come running back into my arms."

"Who's Zach?"

"Her boyfriend. _Temporary _boyfriend. Just someone to pass the time with while she's in denial about her feelings for me."

"So let me get this straight," Kelso said, face contorted in concentration, "Ryan here has to move away because he knocked up an old girlfriend and that spins you around so bad that not even your fox of a girlfriend can keep you here? I don't know, man, that sounds kind of gay to me."

Seth mouthed incoherent protests before finally spluttering "It was _not _gay! It was tragic! Why doesn't anyone see that? Ryan, back me up here."

"Seth, do you think you could not refer to me by name next time you tell this story to people? You know, just in case…"

"Don't listen to them, Seth," Jackie put in. "I think I can understand why you did what you did. Why, if my boyfriend had waited any longer to tell me he wanted to be with me, I might have run away to Chicago and then when I calmed down I would have regretted it just the way you are now."

"Thank you, Jackie. Finally, I meet a person with a soul who can understand my pain."

"So anyhow, what are you doing to win Summer back?"

"Oh you know, the usual. Casting pitiful looks at her, pretending to be her friend so I can get a chance to kiss her, making her new boyfriend feel insecure. That kind of thing."

"Yep. And so far it's been a roaring… failure," Ryan interjected with a smirk.

"Oh my God, Ryan, look outside!" Seth cried in panic. "Marissa's in trouble!"

"What! Where?" Ryan jumped up.

"Made you look," Seth smirked.

"I think they're having a lover's quarrel," Kelso said in a whisper to Jackie.

"You know, if you really want Summer back you should stop chasing her," Jackie advised, "and have her chase you. You say you got the most attention from her when you were dating that Anna girl so why not try that again? If you make her feel like she's been replaced then she'll start getting nervous that maybe the Seth Cohen boat really has sailed away for good."

Seth raised his brows at Jackie's wisdom. Ryan concurred with her advice. "Sounds complicated and irrational to me – just the kind of thing Summer would go for."

……………………………………………………………

"So, what's the status?"

"OK, firstly you might want to stop protecting your shins and start watching out for your face next time you fight with Jackie 'cause she's gotten really good at those flying karate kicks," Kelso said, rubbing his chin.

"I meant about Cohen, moron."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about him," Kelso waved his hand dismissively. "Him and Jackie are too much alike to ever be more than friends. You can't have two people in a relationship who want to spend all their time talking about themselves; it's just not practical. Not to mention the guy's totally in love with someone else –it's either this Summer chick or his brother, I'm not sure."

"His brother? Man, that O.C. is messed up."

"Tell me about it. His brother, Ryan, is dating his aunt!"

"Michael, you know Lindsay isn't Ryan's aunt," Jackie corrected as she walked into the basement. "She's his foster mother's recently discovered illegitimate half-sister."

"Yeah, that's what I said, his aunt. That dude is twisted."

"You're just jealous because you finally met a guy who's better looking than you are," Jackie retorted, sticking out her tongue.

"Wait – you think this guy is better looking than Kelso?" Hyde didn't like the sound of that.

"Well, yeah, though not so pretty looking – more in a kind of cool, bad boy way."

Now Hyde was starting to panic – he was the coolest bad boy in town and he didn't want Jackie hanging around with anyone who could challenge him for the title.

"You know, now I've got Charlie working for me, it's easier to get away from the store. How about tomorrow I drop by and meet all your new working buddies?" he suggested casually.

"Oh Steven, I can't believe you're taking an interest in my career!" Jackie was touched. "That is so sweet!"

"Sweet enough to put that damn ring on your finger?"

"Nice try.".

……………………………………………………………

"So, what's on the story board today, Seth," Jackie asked cheerfully as she straightened her tiny spandex top. "Will Little Miss Vixen save Atomic County from an invasion of evil poor people?"

"Actually, I thought it was time to throw a little love interest in," Seth said, casting a speculative look towards the glass doors as though he was watching for something – or someone. "Things are about to heat up between the Vixen and – "

"Kid Chino?" Jackie asked hopefully.

"No! The Ironist! Why would you even think she'd ever look at Kid Chino?"

"I don't know – a lone wolf outsider from the wrong side of the tracks. That's so much hotter than a snarky mouthed intellectual."

Just then Ryan entered the room from his ensuite, towel drying his hair. "Yeah, I'd have to side with Jackie on that one, dude," he said with a grin. "Kid Chino definitely has it all over the Ironist."

"Shut up," Seth growled and handed a camera to Ryan, "and take our picture."

"Seth, what are you doing?" Jackie was getting nervous as Seth stepped into her personal space and put his arms around her.

"It's OK, Jackie. I'll have to work from photos for these drawings because – well, since I am the Ironist, I can't really draw myself kissing you."

"Kissing me?" Jackie squeaked. "Seth, that's not a good idea!"

"Relax, kid. It's all for the sake of art." Before she could lodge another protest, he bent down and pressed his lips against hers. Then three things seemed to happen simultaneously – a camera flashed, the sliding door slammed open and a female voice shrilled "What the HELL is going on here?" Jackie pushed Seth away to find herself looking at a beautiful but furious dark haired girl.

"YOU!" Both girls said together.

"What, you know Summer?" Seth asked.

"This is the bitch that cheated me out of catching that wedding bouquet!" Jackie steamed. "She even turned one of my best friends against me to do it."

"Oh, get over it," Summer snapped. "I was totally justified; I needed that bouquet more than you did."

Jackie surveyed Summer with a scorching gaze. "Well, no argument there!"

"You bitch," Summer growled, throwing aside the biology notes Seth had begged her to bring around and moving threateningly towards Jackie. Seth bravely stood between the two girls.

"Now, Summer, let's confront the main issue here. Isn't the real reason you're so angry because it's just hit you how much you truly love me when you saw me kiss Jackie?"

"You kissed Jackie?" a new voice entered the mix, and it did not sound happy.

"Steven, no," Jackie cried as her boyfriend lifted Seth off the ground by the front of his shirt. "It's not what you think! It was all pretend – you know, for the comic book."

"So that's how you get your action, Cohen. You use this modelling crap to con innocent girls into letting you put your slimy hands all over them. Well, you made a big mistake trying it on my fiance."

"Fiance? Jackie, you never told me you were engaged," Seth said, shifting his attention back to his model. "Mazaltof!"

"Oh, thank you, Seth," Jackie cooed as she pulled on Hyde's arm. "Steven, let him go! If you don't punch him out I think he'll be good for a silver gravy boat."

"You're engaged?" Summer said with a pout. "That's so unfair! I'm the one who caught the bouquet, and what happens? A week later my boyfriend sails away to Maine."

"What, that bouquet thing happened while we were dating?" Seth said, twisting his shirt out of Hyde's grip.

"Yeah. I even let this sleazy foreign guy think I'd make out with him if he helped me catch it."

"Why was it so important to you?" Seth captured Summer's hands as he searched her eyes.

"Because I knew Ryan was on the brink of leaving and I had this feeling that if he left I could lose you and I just thought if I caught the bouquet it would be like a sign, you know, that we'd end up together, that you'd choose me." A tear raced down her cheek as she made her confession.

"Oh Summer, I was such a…a…"

"Dumbass," Jackie supplied.

"Thank you, Jackie. A dumbass. I was just all mixed up and confused and I know if I'd just sat still for 5 minutes and thought it through I never would have made that stupid impulsive decision to leave you behind. I hadn't even been gone a day before I regretted running away. I swear if you could just give me another chance…"

From the misty look in Summer's eyes it was pretty evident that a second chance would be forthcoming. Hyde drew Jackie outside of the pool house where he regarded her with folded arms and impassive face.

"How could you not tell this guy you were engaged?"

"Now, Steven," Jackie said apprehensively. "It's not like I was trying to hide anything. I told him I had a boyfriend. I just wanted to wait for the ring before I made that kind of announcement."

"Right, here's the deal." Hyde reached out and grasped Jackie by her forearms, employing full intimidation tactics. "You are going to let me put this damn rock on your over-particular finger so that from now on every man you meet, from neurotic rich kids to the garden gnome across the street, are going to know to keep their hands off my fiance! You got that?"

Jackie nodded quickly and then stared at Steven for a good five seconds before saying "I am so turned on right now." Hyde barely had time to blink before he had his arms full of Jackie, her legs wrapped tightly around his hips. As he lowered them both onto one of the sun lounges, he said, "I've got a feeling that how I gave you your ring won't make a bedtime story for the grandkids either."

"Eh, we can edit," Jackie returned with a shrug before pulling Steven's face towards her own.

**A.N.Next up - Scrubs**


	3. Scrubs

Chapter 3 – Scrubs

A.N. I worked on this chapter into the early hours of the morning so how about some reviews to reward my sleep deprivation. Also, this chapter is chock full of Scrubs quotes – the writing for this show is so clever I had to borrow some of it. Quotes will also be a device I'll be using for my other cross-overs to make them read with a bit more authenticity, as I don't pretend I'll be as familiar with writing other characters as I have become with the 70's gang. Anyhow, read, enjoy and please review!

_It's funny how all of a sudden you start noticing things about people you never did before_, Dr John (J.D.) Dorian thought to himself as he walked down the hallway of Sacred Hearth Hospital towards the reception desk. _Like the way our resident proctologist has a hook for a hand. Or how Turk actually does look a lot like Gandhi. Or the way Nurse Forman is losing her marbles._

J.D.'s last observation was due to the fact that Nurse Forman was talking to herself.

"Now, remember, Jackie, we file these folders in order of the name of the ailment, not by its level of 'grossness'".

J.D. sidled up to his close friend and fellow doctor, Chris Turk.

"Uh Turk, I think Nurse Forman's taken one too many trips to that supply closet where we keep the rubbing alcohol."

"What do you mean?"

"She's talking to herself. No, worse, she's got an imaginary friend named Jackie. It's not healthy to have imaginary friends when you're an adult. I know because my parents made me give my fictional friend his marching orders when I turned…er…got older. Poor Chester – I wonder what he's doing now."

_Cut to fantasy sequence – Chester, a geeky-looking imaginary friend in his late twenties is being interviewed by a 7 year old who is reading over his resume with critical expression._

"_I notice you haven't been in the under-10's imaginary friend game in a while."_

"_No, I was with my last employer until he turned 23." _

"_So, you don't have any experience with video games? Pacman? Donkey Kong?"_

"_No, but I play a mean game of Chinese Checkers," Chester replies nervously. The boy hands him back the resume, shaking his head. As Chester walks away, he mutters under his breath "Damn it, I knew I should have kept my career skills up to date." _

Turk brings J.D. back from his thought-drifting. "Are you trippin', dog? She's talking to Jackie, the new clerical support." J.D. continued to look non-comprehensive. "Aah, I get the problem. You can't see her because she's wearing an engagement ring."

"What? Speak into the other ear, SCB, 'cause this one's picking up gibberish."

Turk grabbed J.D. by the arm and pulled him over to the reception desk. "Hi, Jackie. Look, could you do me a favour and take off your ring for a minute? My friend here has trouble seeing pretty young women if they're wearing rings that mean they're not available."

"What? Turk, that is crap, I am not that shall – hell – hello!" J.D. drew in his breath sharply as a gorgeous brunette magically appeared sitting next to Nurse Forman.

Jackie looked over the young doctor objectively. Girlishly handsome face. Puny body. Nicely styled hair. "Hi," she responded. She turned to Nurse Forman. "Can I put my ring back on now? Steven doesn't like me taking it off around horny guys."

"Yes, you should pop up on his radar now," Kitty advised.

"So, Jackie, how long have you been working here? First day today?" J.D. asked, scanning her pretty face and wondering why all the good ones were taken.

"About three weeks, actually," Jackie answered. "We shared the elevator this morning, remember? You were doing that little dance? Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting… those kicks were fast as lightning?"

"Riiight," J.D. answered. "So, how do you like working – "

"Dr Dorian," snapped the irascible voice of Dr Kelso. "This is not Hit on Co-workers at Work Day. This is just Work Day."

As J.D. jumped away from the reception desk like he had been scalded, Turk joined him as they hurried away to begin their rounds. "By the way," Turk inquired, "What does SCB stand for?"

"Super Chocolate Bear," J.D. replied.

Turk considered this new nickname for a moment. "I love it."

"Hello there, Dr Kelso," Jackie greeted cheerfully. "I've been meaning to thank you for giving me the opportunity to earn a little money here."

Dr Kelso's attitude magically improved. "Think nothing of it, my dear. Always nice to have a smiling face brightening the place up."

"Funny you should say that, Dr Kelso!" Kitty interjected. "I myself have been told I have a smile brighter than a spotlight at Graumans Chinese Theatre!"

"You know," Dr Kelso continued, ignoring Kitty, "that great nephew of mine really is a dumbass to let you get away."

"Ohh, that's sweet of you, Dr Kelso. There is a large school of thought in agreement with you on the dumbass thing, as well."

"Smiling face. Huh! You could perform surgery by my incandescent smile," Kitty grumbled.

Just then the resident lawyer sad-sack approached Dr Kelso with a more purposeful step than usual. His barely existent self esteem had been boosted by the Donahue episode he had just watched and he had decided it was time to put his foot down with his tyrannical boss.

"Dr Kelso, I'm sick of the way you treat me."

"No you aren't," his boss replied in a bored voice.

"And you know what else? I quit!"

"No you don't!"

"Well I'm leaving early today!"

"No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!"

"Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!"

"Whatever."

"Victory!" Ted cried, punching the air in triumph.

Yes, it was another day at Sacred Heart 

……………………………………………………………

Kitty noticed the disconsolate look on Jackie's face as she stapled some hospital forms together.

"Is something wrong, sweetie?"

Jackie sighed. "I don't know. I just feel like doing clerical work is a huge waste of my God-given talent to beautify the world."

"I must say, I was surprised you went after this position. It doesn't seem exactly like your niche."

"Well, when my super hero modelling job finished, I realised just how little employment opportunity there is in Point Place. Everybody wants experience or college degrees! It's just not fair. How is my wedding going to have a genuine retro 1940's style swing orchestra frontlined by a has-been celebrity that everyone still remembers enough to be impressed by, on the rates they pay around here?"

"You could try setting your sights a little lower," Kitty suggested tentatively. "Play some Bobby Darin or Dean Martin records instead."

"No way! I am going to have the most perfect wedding this small town has ever seen, even if I have to become a Cheese Maiden to do it! I just have to keep my eyes open for the right opportunity."

While Jackie was speaking, a gurney crashed through the doors with two paramedics shooting status reports at the attending doctor. Behind the paramedics her friends were following closely.

"So it's all about staying alert," Jackie continued, oblivious to the drama behind her. "And watching for that one special life-changing moment."

"Hey, can we get some service here," Hyde shouted at Jackie's back.

"Steven!" she cried in delight. "Have you come to take me out to lunch?"

"No," he answered, giving her that what-reality-are-you-living-in look. "We had a bit of an accident over at the water tower."

"Oh, is it that time of year already? So what did Michael sprain this time? His ankle? His wrist? Please tell me it's not his face! It would be a shame if something happened to his money-maker."

"It wasn't Kelso," Fez explained, sidling up to the desk. "It was the new kid."

"Charlie? Oh my God, is he OK?"

"He'll be fine," Kelso assured her. "It's not like anyone ever dies falling off the water tower."

"And on that moronic statement," interrupted the attending Dr Cox, "I'll just hammer in a peg and pitch my rant. So, from the beer on your breath I take it you all decided to hold a kegger at the top of an unstable tower with insufficient guard rails which, judging by your colourful medical file, Michael Kelso, you have personally experienced the dangers of eight times in the last ten years."

"Nah, it's more than that. I only had to be admitted to hospital eight times," Kelso corrected.

Dr Cox stared at the handsome doofus in amazement. "My God, I can literally feel my brain cells popping away just talking to you."

"You know, there was this one time – "

"Kelso, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'. 

"See ya," Kelso said, slipping away speedily to cower behind Donna.

While this interchange was happening, Jackie crossed to the gurney on which Charlie was lying. "Charlie, what happened? Are you alright?"

"Oh sure," Charlie answered, holding his arm steady. Although his face was pale, he did not appear to be in too much pain. "I'm not sure what happened exactly – we were just raising a toast to me – you know, being the bringer of beer – when I started feeling dizzy and next thing I knew I was on the ground."

"Yeah, the weird thing is he hadn't even drunk any beer," Hyde added.

"Charlie! Charlie!" Jackie called as Charlie's eyes rolled back in his head. "Dr Cox! Come quick!"

Soon Dr Cox had taken charge of the situation, ordering Kitty to take some blood work and start Charlie on an IV drip. Jackie and Hyde exchanged worried looks – they both had a feeling that there was more going on here than simple bumps and bruises.

……………………………………………………………

Two hours later, the five friends were sitting around a table in the hospital cafeteria, morosely eating lunch.

"Guys, I think it's time we talked about the reason why we're here," Donna said.

"Oh God, I can't stand this job for much longer," Jackie burst out. "I mean, sure the people are nice enough – well, a bit screwy but I'm used to that – but the fashion code around here is appalling! If I have to look at one more person wearing those shapeless pyjamas they call 'scrubs' – I mean, would it kill them to break up the ensemble with a trendy belt or even a nice scarf?"

"Uh, Jackie, I kind of meant the reason why _we're_ here, not you," Donna corrected.

"I cannot believe this," Fez said sadly. "We finally have a person in the group who has less sexual experience than me and now he is slipping away." Fez raised melodramatic eyes to the ceiling. "Why does everything happen to me – oh, hello."

The rest of the gang followed Fez's gaze upwards to see a young doctor duct taped to the ceiling.

"Who's that?" Kelso asked.

"Oh dear, it's that young doctor who fell in love with me this morning," Jackie said. "I think he may be stalking me. Steven, try to control your rage."

"I'm bottling it as we speak," Hyde replied laconically, tossing a peanut into his mouth.

"Please! I could stalk you better than that with my hands tied behind my back," Fez scoffed. "Or better yet with your hands tied behind your back. Or maybe to the bedposts…– ow! You need to work harder on that bottling, Hyde."

"Dr Dorian, right?" Jackie greeted. "Look, I'm sorry to break your heart like this and I know you'll probably never find anyone better than me but you have to accept that I am in love with another man."

"Yeah, he can't actually answer you right now," a tall man in a janitor's uniform interrupted. "If you look carefully you'll see I duct taped his mouth shut."

"This is your work?" Hyde asked. "Nice."

"Thank you. It's a hobby. Well, that and the taxidermy of squirrels, rabbits and the occasional dog."

"You kill innocent animals?" Donna cried. "That's terrible! Killing animals for your own selfish pleasure is despicable."

"I can tell from the way you just forked the leg tendon of a helpless baby calf into your mouth how strongly you feel about animal rights," the Janitor observed. "You'll be comforted to know that the animals I immortalise are all made to serve a useful purpose in their next life. For example, let me introduce you to the Bunny Grinder." He held up a stuffed rabbit contorted into a cute sitting-up-begging position. "Looks like an ordinary carrot-muncher, but with a few turns of his head," the janitor turned the rabbits head fully clockwise, "voila! A little freshly ground pepper with your steak, madam?"

"Ewww!" Jackie and Donna squealed as ground peppercorns sprinkled from the rabbit's butt.

"Please." Kelso said, motioning to his lunch.

Just then Dr Cox walked past. "Hey, that's the doctor on Charlie's case," Hyde said. "Dr Cox! Can you tell us how our friend is doing?"

"Well, I could," Dr Cox replied in his deliberate manner. "But that would mean spending precious minutes of my lunch break having to deal with all that sugar-coating, hand-holding, breaking-it-gently doctor crap which I usually pass onto one of my spineless interns."

"But Doctor, we're really worried about Charlie," Donna implored. "You see, he just moved here and he's only lately become a part of our group. It would be terrible to lose him before we have a chance to really know him."

Dr Cox looked at the redhead as though stunned. "Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out."

"Dr Cox," called a voice from above. "Come on, show them you're heart isn't really two sizes too small."

"Wow! A voice from the heavens! I'd think it was the Big Guy himself except that (a) I'm his favourite so he approves of everything I do and (b) I can't believe he'd have an androgynous squeaky voice which is on the verge of breaking, just in time to lead that Diana Ross and the Supremes cover band he's been working so darned hard on." Dr Cox looked upwards to see the spectacle of J.D. taped to the ceiling, his mouth reddened from the duct tape Kelso had just ripped off. At the sight, all the grumpiness left his manner and he broke into a big smile.

"I take it you did this to Felicity up there?" he asked the Janitor, who nodded with a smirk. "My compliments to you, Sir. You are really raising the bar, you know that?"

"I try to stay sharp. You approve?"

"Let me just say I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it."

"So, Dr Cox, what can you tell us about Charlie's condition," Jackie questioned while his good mood was still existent. She knew him well enough by now to know how fleeting his cheerful moments were.

"Right, the Richardson kid. Alright, in my professional medical opinion… Well, let me put it this way. If you're looking for a get-well present, don't go buying him a six-month subscription to Time magazine because he won't be getting much use from it."

As gasps of horror followed his statement, J.D. shook his head at his mentor reproachfully. "Dr Cox!"

"What? I was breaking it to them gently!"

"What's wrong with him? Did he break his arm in the fall? Because I'll donate my arm if you want it," Kelso cried. "Take it! I'll be Okay! I'll just grow another one."

"It wasn't the fall," Dr Cox sighed. "Charlie Richardson has a rare condition, a condition which I haven't seen in the past four years. It's called Karicta-axin and I'm afraid it's fatal."

"Karicta-axin? I've never heard of that. What is it?" Donna asked.

"It's ironic that you've no knowledge of it, seeing as how the last case in Sacred Heart's history was one Tina Pinciotti – your younger sister!"

Now the gasps were of shock rather than horror. "Da da da dum!" chorused the A Cappella quartet at the neighbouring table, led by Ted.

"Sister? There must be some mistake! I don't have a sister."

"Are you sure?" Dr Cox interrogated. "You've no memory left of an annoying red haired brat stealing your clothes, tattling on you to your parents, having to stay home and babysit the little tyke? Ring any bells?"

"Wait a minute," Hyde said. "Didn't you once have a party at your place which started with you having to babysit…"

"…your little sister!" Jackie finished. "Of course! How could I forget that?"

"Tina!" Donna cried as she snatched at the ghosts of memories in her mind. "Yes – I think I can remember her… but it's all so vague. How come I can't picture her in my head? And why don't my parents ever talk about her?" She asked the doctor frantically.

"It's a symptom of the disease," Dr Cox explained. "It not only causes the patient to fade away but anyone who has had close contact with the patient, it attacks that part of their brains that hold memories of the unlucky stiff. When you look at it, it's a bonus really."

"A bonus?" Donna repeated.

"Sure. You're all cut up about your friend's untimely end right now, but once he's snuffed it you'll go on about your lives as though he never existed. This time tomorrow you won't remember there ever was a Charlie Richardson."

"Dr Cox, I am shocked at your lack of empathy for these grieving people," J.D. scolded from the ceiling. "It just shows you how bitter and twisted a person becomes when they aren't hugged on a daily basis. And another thing – "

But J.D.'s harangue was interrupted by the sound of duct tape tearing away, unable to resist the lure of gravity any longer. As the hapless young doctor plunged down onto the gang's lunch table, his face landing in a plate of nachos, an appreciative grin crawled across Dr Cox's face. Shaking his head in wonderment, he breathed "This moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a family of tiny little moments."

……………………………………………………………

Jackie crept into the hospital room quietly to join her friends. She had been having trouble concentrating on her work as she remembered her new friend, Charlie, fighting for his life. Also that bleak look in Steven's eyes when Dr Cox had shared his diagnosis made her ache to be with him.

"I can't do this," she said, pushing away the medical forms she had been hole-punching."

"Oh sweetie, it's quite easy, really," Kitty said. "You just put the paper here…"

"No, Mrs Forman, I can't work right now. I should be with Steven. He needs me."

"Now Jackie, I appreciate that you're upset about your friend but it's not like you were really close and these papers aren't going to file their own little keesters away, are they?"

"I'm sorry," Jackie said, handing her name badge to Kitty. She was sad to see it go – she had even sweet-talked the admin team to put a heart above the "i" in Jackie. "Tell Dr Kelso thanks again for the opportunity."

With that Jackie took off for Charlie's hospital room. She walked in to find Kelso and Fez sitting on the couch fast asleep, their heads on each other's shoulders. Donna was sitting on one side of the bed, holding Charlie's hand, but although she was staring at his face it was another face she was concentrating on, one whose features were still vague no matter how hard she strained her memory. Steven sat in the chair on the other side of Charlie's sleeping body, his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Hey," Jackie whispered, sinking down onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. At the feel of her embrace the cold stiffness in his muscles seemed to melt and he gradually returned her hug. "So, how's he doing?"

"Not great," Hyde replied. "He's hardly there anymore. It's crazy but sometimes… I think I can see through him. Like he's a ghost or something."

Jackie looked over at the boy who had had such great potential to be a member of their gang. It would have been so nice to have someone around who had that touch of adorable innocence that Fez used to have, the moral uprightness that Eric was once known for and a youthful naivety that they had all left behind many years ago. She sighed. Why were the kind people snuffed out in Point Place? It seemed like the only way any of them survived here was if they had some major character flaw like a growing dependence on alcohol to balance out their goodness. Perhaps if Charlie had been a bit more edgy, shown a bit less regard for other people's feelings and safety, maybe then he would not be fading away before her eyes.

"We'll remember him, Steven," Jackie promised. "You and I, we're much more strong-minded than these puny mortals. We won't let his memory die."

"You know, he was the one who talked me into proposing to you," Hyde said reflectively.

"Really?" Jackie's eyes filled with tears. "I didn't know that."

Hyde looked Jackie in the eyes. He had been feeling so lost before she had come to him, but it was as though his blood started to flow again as soon as she touched him. Suddenly he knew beyond doubt that he did want to spend the rest of his life with her. "I guess I owe him one for that."

For once Jackie was speechless; all she could do was press her lips firmly against his.

"Where have you been?" he asked a few minutes later.

"Working," she sighed. "At least, I was. I kind of quit."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I know I don't really know Charlie that well but you've been working with him at Grooves and so I figured you'd probably know him better than any of us and so must be feeling it more. So I felt like I ought to be here for you."

"You quit your job? You stuck it to the Man for me? Aww, baby, that was so badass." After a little oral exploration to express his appreciation, Hyde said, "Don't worry about the job. There are plenty of better ones out there. And one day we'll have that wedding you want – I'll wait as long as it takes."

"Aw, thank you, Steven," Jackie said. As an idea percolated in her devious dark head, she began trailing kisses along Hyde's jaw. "Steven, you're such a good fiance… so sweet and supportive… you'll help me find a new job, won't you."

"Sure, baby, whatever you want," Hyde replied, his brain fogging under her caresses.

"You know, I think I'd be most suited for a sales position – you know, working in a shop."

"Mmm, you like shopping. A little more to the left there, Jacks."

"Uh huh. I believe a sales position will soon be opening up at a record store. Don't you think I'd be good at selling records, baby?"

"You could sell anything, doll. Yeah, that's right, press your fingers down just there."

"Oh Steven, thank you!" Jackie squealed, hugging him tightly. "You won't regret this! It's going to be so much fun working together!"

"Say what? Jackie, I didn't mean – " But his attention was broken by the heart monitor discontinuing its soothing beeping to make a continuous and deadly noise.

"Charlie, no!" Donna cried, trying to rouse the young man. His body was as lifeless as a rag doll to Donna's touch.

As the crash team charged into the room and tried to revive Charlie with electric paddles, the five friends stood by in shock as the newest member of their number slipped away.

……………………………………………………………

"Man, what a hellish day," Kelso said as the gang walked out the entrance of Sacred Heart Hospital.

"It was very depressing," Fez agreed, "What with the whole death thing and all."

"Yeah," Hyde agreed. There was a moment of silence before Jackie asked, "Um… who died again?"

"How can you ask that, Jackie?" Hyde retorted. "Who died! It was…um… damn, his name is right on the tip of my tongue."

"Him? Wasn't it a she?" Donna asked. "Something like… Nina?"

"I thought it was some dude called Harley," Kelso said.

"Ugh! All this talk of death is so depressing. Let's talk about something inspirational and beautiful – like me!" Jackie chirped. "Hey, have I told you guys how Steven practically begged me to come work with him?"

As Dr "J.D." Dorian passed the passel of friends, teasing and laughing at each other, his thoughts drifted into one more think-over to end the day on.

As I was suspended from that ceiling. feeling my arm hairs tear out one by one, I was silently observing the way these young people affect each other. It was then I realised that what you notice most about a person isn't the way they look or the things they accomplished. It's the way they made you feel when you were with them, the things they said to build you up and point you to that right choice. Even when someone is long forgotten in history's tide, these moments of kindness will live on – even if no-one remembers where they came from. "So just remember that, Dr Kelso, next time you make Ted clean out your pool filter in the middle of winter," J.D. finished up, pointing a finger at his boss. 

Dr Kelso eyed him in baffled fury. "Are you an idiot?" he barked.

"No, sir, I'm a dreamer," J.D. replied, nose in the air.

**A.N. Next up – my favourite of favourites (after The Show, of course) – Supernatural**


	4. Supernatural Part 1

**Chapter 4 – Supernatural – Part 1**

A.N.The following chapter is my solution to how to make the events and radical character changes in Season 8 plausible. Heh.. heh…

Also, this story was too long for one chapter so I've split it into two – next instalment will be up shortly.

"Hey, Sam," his brother hollered, pushing open the swing door of the diner's rest room, "Come on, zip it up! Let's hit the...road?" He took in the sight of his brother's chalk-white face as he clung to the porcelain sink to remain upright. Dean rushed over to grab Sam before he collapsed. "Sam, what is it?"

"Another… vision," his brother gasped. "I saw something so unnatural and disgusting – Oh God," he broke away from his brother's hold to empty his stomach into the toilet bowl. Dean looked on with concern.

"I guess we're not heading for Vegas anymore," he sighed. "So, did your psychic connection tell you which way to point the car?"

Sam wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Yeah – some small town in Wisconsin. Point Place, Wisconsin."

……………………………………………………………

"Steven, don't you think I should be out in the store with the customers?" Jackie asked as soon as she could catch her breath.

"No way. I can't have you walking around out there all hot and naked. You'd start a riot." Hyde treated his chick to his best smartass grin as he surveyed her unclothed body.

"Hey, I have no trouble keeping my clothes on. You're the one who's always ripping them off me as soon as you call me into the back office."

"That's right, and you have to come whenever I call you and you know why?" Jackie faked a guileless look. "Because I'm your _boss_."

Jackie shivered at the words. "Steven, stop it," she ordered.

"Stop what? Reminding you that as my employee here at Grooves, you have to do whatever I say, whenever I say for however long I say?"

With a muffled groan Jackie flung herself on Hyde, aroused to fever pitch. "Oh God, I can't control myself when you're being all overbearing and sexy."

Fifteen minutes later during a short breathing space Hyde managed to say, "Besides, Randy's got things under control out there. Hiring him was the best business decision I ever made."

"Oh really?" Jackie chose to take offence. "So he's a better employee than me, I suppose?"

"Only when it comes to selling records, waiting on customers and doing actual work," Hyde assured her. "Outside of those areas, you're definitely employee of the month material."

Jackie's pout remained as she detached herself from Hyde and started shrugging into her clothes. "The way you guys go on about Randy, you'd think he invented cheese whip. I'm telling you, Steven, there's something about that guy I don't like."

"I don't know what you're talking about. And where do you think you're going? You haven't finished your assigned task yet," Hyde said with a significant look downwards.

"Sorry, boss, but it's quitting time. Maybe you can get your newest bestest friend Randy to help you out with it."

Hyde frowned as Jackie walked out the door. "That girl has no work ethic," he grumbled.

As Jackie walked through the back room door into the Grooves storeroom, she unexpectedly came face to face with the newest addition to the team. "Randy," she cried. "Damn it, don't jump out at me like that."

"Sorry, Jackie, didn't see you there," Randy replied with a flashing smile made for selling toothpaste. "I just wanted to let Hyde know that I've tallied up the register and took care of back ordering those albums like he wanted."

"Well, aren't you the busy bee," Jackie snapped. "Why are you still here, anyway? It's past 5 o'clock. If you're trying to show me up by working overtime – "

"Nah, I'm just waiting for Donna. We're going to check out this rock concert in Milwaukee."

"Donna?" Jackie crinkled her brow. "I've noticed you two have been hanging out a lot lately. You do know she's practically engaged, right?"

"Maybe. Maybe not," Randy said with his most supercilious smile. "And speaking of the luscious blonde in question…" Donna walked through the Grooves door. As soon as she saw Randy her face broke into a huge smile.

"Hey there," she said in a most-unDonna-like bubbly voice. As Jackie watched her flip her long blonde hair over one shoulder, her sense of something being very off-kilter was heightened.

"Hey, babe," Randy responded. While his charming smile made Jackie want to gag, it sent Donna into a giggle fit. "I just have to finish up some last minute stock orders and then we can go."

"That's fine," Donna breathed. "Don't be too long."

"How could I be when all this beauty is waiting for me?"

"Oh God, and I thought Eric was cheesy," Jackie muttered. As soon as Randy had left the room, she dragged Donna over to the listening pit couch. "Alright, you fickle-hearted lumberjack – why are you acting all goopy over Randy?"

"I am not goopy. And it's no business of yours if I was anyway."

"No business? Donna, you may be my best friend but Eric's my friend too – granted, he may be on the bottom rung of my friendship ladder but he's still there. So if you're cheating on him, I have a right to know about it."

"I'm not cheating on Eric," Donna said angrily, "for the simple reason I owe him nothing. Eric broke up with me."

"What?" Jackie was stunned. "Eric broke up with you? That's crazy! I mean, if it was the other way around it would just be common sense, but for him to think he could ever do better than you… I mean, you guys are one of the main constants of my life. It's like Michael will always fall off the water tower, Fez will always have an unhealthy addiction to candy and Eric will always love Donna. You can't just mess with the foundations of my life like this, Donna!"

"Forgive me – I failed to take into consideration how my tragic break-up with the boy I've loved all my life would affect you." As usual, Jackie was oblivious to Donna's sarcasm.

"It's alright - I'll get over it in time," Jackie said bravely. "So… what happened?"

Donna sighed. "I was starting to feel uneasy about us when he stopped calling me," Donna explained. "We'd set times for him to call me and I'd wait by the phone all day but when it rang it was always some telemarketer trying to sell me a magazine subscription to National Geographic. Then his letters stopped coming until I got this one three days ago." Donna reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. "This is how he breaks up with me – by avoiding me and then writing me a frigging Dear John letter. How's that for six years of my life?"

Jackie unfolded the paper and read out loud, "'Dear Donna, I can't help feeling that a distance has come between us – " Well, duh, he is in Africa – "and I don't want to hold you back from realising your potential. So I think it is best that we move on from each other and start dating other people. Good luck and all the best – yours sincerely, Eric." Jackie turned the paper over to see if there was any last minute P.S. taking back what seemed like the writings of a complete stranger, but it was blank.

"Donna, I don't believe this," Jackie said.

"I know, it's unbelievable what a dill hole he turned out to be."

"No, I mean I _really _don't believe it," Jackie clarified. "Eric would never write something like this."

"Well, he obviously did."

"Is this even his handwriting?" Jackie examined the clear bold letters. "I remember it as being much more illegible than this."

"You think I wouldn't know his handwriting by now?" Donna huffed. "Face it, Jackie, you were right about him all along. I can't believe I wasted so much of my life on him. Well, no more! If Eric wants us to see other people, then Randy and I willl give him what he wants – and I hope he chokes on it!" Just then Randy rejoined the two girls.

"So, gorgeous, you ready to rock?" he said as he snaked his arm around Donna's waist.

"Sure," Donna answered. "I'll see you later, Jackie."

"But Donna, I really don't think – " Jackie felt the words suddenly stick in her throat as Randy levelled his gaze on her.

"What don't you think, Jackie?" he asked.

"I don't think… I've ever met anyone with more perfect hair than Randy," Jackie finished. As Randy smirked at her knowingly, her eyes widened in panic. _Why did I say that? That wasn't what I was going to say!_

"Everything about Randy is perfect," Donna sighed, her expression as fawning as during her Casey Kelso phase.

"Well, I hate to interrupt the love fest but we have to motor. See you later, Jackie – and hey, how about sweeping the floors before you go."

Jackie meant to say that no Burkhart would ever do something as demeaning as sweep a floor. Instead, what came out was "Whatever you say, Randy."

"Good to hear. You'll find the broom behind the storeroom door – or you could just use the one you flew to work on."

Donna and Jackie broke into unrestrained laughter at Randy's joke.

"God, isn't he just the funniest, coolest guy?" Donna declared.

"I _know_," Jackie agreed wholeheartedly.

……………………………………………………………

It was about 10 minutes later Hyde came out to find Jackie pushing a broom across the floor, a vacant expression in her eyes.

"Uh, Jackie… why are you sweeping the floor?"

Jackie looked at Hyde like she had just woken up. "Huh?"

"It's just that I've never seen you do housework before – and this isn't even a house."

Jackie dropped the broom handle like it was made of Peetos. "Oh my God, I was sweeping," she realised in horror. "He turned me into a maid!"

"Who did?"

"Randy! He told me I should sweep the floor."

"And you did it? I would have thought you'd sooner tell him where he could shove his broomstick."

"I meant to – I tried to." Jackie turned scared eyes towards her fiance. "Steven, there is something seriously weird about Randy."

"Don't start this again, Jackie," Hyde warned. "There's nothing wrong with Randy."

"Right there – you're proving my point! You have never given your unqualified approval to another person in your life! You're so suspicious you think even Mother Teresa is working an angle! But this Andy Gibb knock-off walks in and suddenly he's your new best friend-slash-hero."

"I'm going home. Come look me up when you return to planet earth," Hyde said, rolling his eyes.

As she watched him leave, Jackie's chin took on its stubborn tilt. Resolutely, she pulled out Hyde's address book from under the counter and picked up the phone receiver.

"Hello, operator? I'd like to place a long distance call to Africa."

……………………………………………………………

It was the end of another working day, thankfully the last working day of the week.

"OK, that was the last customer," Randy announced as he locked the door behind a silver-haired pensioner.

"You're something else, man," Hyde said admiringly. "How did you ever sell The Sex Pistols to Pastor Dave's mother?"

"Let's just say I can be very persuasive," Randy replied, secrets shadowing his smile. "Well, I'm going to meet up with Donna at the basement – see if I can't get some payback for those concert tickets I shelled out forty bucks for."

And Hyde, the same guy who had pulled a fire alarm all night to protect his best friend's girl from a man whore, grinned and wished Randy luck.

It was not much later when two young men were knocking on the Grooves door. Hyde groaned. It was bad enough being pestered by customers after closing hours, but it was even worse being interrupted while singing Sinatra's 'Swing on a Star' into a broom handle.

"Hey buddy, read the closed sign," he yelled. "Morons."

The shorter of the men rapped on the door authoritatively and held some sort of identification against the glass. With an exasperated sigh Hyde put down the broom and unlocked the door.

"Mr Hyde?" the man strode brashly in. "Agent Bonham, State Health Board. This here is my partner, Agent Richards. We're looking for a young man, early twenties, medium height, feathered hair. We understand he has some kind of connection with your store."

"That would be Randy. Who are you guys? I didn't see any identification from you, pal," Hyde said, craning his head back to address the silent partner. The strapping young man turned a petulant face on his fellow agent before flashing his identification before Hyde, doing his best to cover much of it with his thumb.

"Agent Keith Richards, Bikini Inspector," Hyde read. "Let me guess, that would make you Agent Jon Bonham."

"I told you we shouldn't have used those names in a record store," the tall man hissed at the short one.

"Yeah, but think of how cool it would have been if we'd gotten away with it," smirked his accomplice.

"Alright, you two have ten seconds to tell me who the hell you are before I kick your asses out of here," Hyde threatened.

"Relax, tough guy. Just tell us where to find this Randy character and we're history."

"Dean, he's part of this," the tall man spoke. "I saw him."

"Saw me do what?" Hyde asked belligerently. "If this is about Old Man Riley's lawn getting trenched, I can produce witnesses who'll swear me an alibi."

Dean shared a significant look with his partner and came to a silent agreement before turning back to Hyde.

"OK, now this is going to sound kind of out there but you see my brother Sam here, he has these visions – you know, like of the future – and since most of those visions are about some pretty messed up shit, it's not good news to be a guest star in them, which it seems you are. So you'd be smart to listen up if you don't want to be his dream come true."

"Visions? What kind of sap do you take me for? And what does any of this have to do with Randy?"

"Look, Steven," Sam said, his big blue-green eyes melting with sympathy. "I know all of this must seem scary but Dean and I deal with this kind of thing all the time." Sam put a comforting hand on Hyde's shoulder. "You're not alone in this."

As Dean observed the vein throbbing in Hyde's head as he looked at where Sam's hand was touching him, he cautioned his brother, "I think maybe you should reign in the puppy dog eyes, Captain Empathy. Something tells me this one will prefer my style of eloquence." He then shoved Hyde's arm to get his attention. "Now look, man. My brother saw this Randy freak working some kind of mind mojo on your friends to make them do things they would never normally do. Now we need to find this nutcase pronto or something mighty unpleasant is going to happen to a small brunette and a tall blonde before the end of this day."

This got Hyde's attention. "What? You saw Jackie and Donna? What did you see? Is he going to hurt them? Tell me, damn it!"

"It was flashes and feelings, nothing concrete," Sam replied. "But I swear to you, if we don't find them fast they're going to be in big trouble."

Hyde grabbed his coat. "I still think you guys are mental patients, but it wouldn't hurt to check on the girls. Come on, let's get walking."

"Don't you have a car?" Dean asked.

"Of course I do. Randy asked if he could have it and…" Hyde froze in his steps as he realised he had handed over the keys to his precious El Camino without a second thought. "Son of a bitch!"

"C'mon, we'll take the Impala," Dean said.

One car ride later (during which Hyde decided that anyone who had such a rocking taste in music must be trustworthy), they screeched to a halt at the Forman house. Leading the charge into the basement, Hyde stopped short in revulsion at the sight before him.

A.N.Sorry about the cliffie – I know I said I wouldn't be doing that but I promise the second part will be up before you know it.


	5. Supernatural Part 2

**Chapter 5 – Supernatural – Part 2 **

Leading the charge into the basement, Hyde stopped short in revulsion at the sight before him.

"…so then I said, 'hey ladies, there's no need to fight – there's enough of me to go around."

The laughter that followed the punchline of Randy's story was as loud and unnatural as a coached studio audience. Donna rubbed her head against Randy's shoulder with the dumb adoration of a cocker spaniel. That was bad enough but the sight that really turned Hyde's stomach was Jackie – sitting on Fez's lap!

"Jackie?" he yelped. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Doing? Nothing really. Just basking in the radiance of Randy's wit."

"Well, that's crazy enough, but what I meant was why are you sitting on the most dedicated pervert in the tri-state area?"

"Why thank you, Hyde," Fez said. "It is nice to have one's efforts noticed."

"Steven, Fez isn't a creepy pervert," Jackie explained. "He's actually my perfect man."

"Fez is your perfect man? The same guy who takes telescopic pictures of you from the next door rooftop when you're getting dressed is your Prince Charming?"

"Yes, isn't it amazing?" Jackie squealed. "At first I couldn't believe it myself, you know, what with him being so weird and a foreigner. Not to mention his habit of selling me out in a nanosecond for a chance at some slut-action. But Randy suggested I make a list of what I'm looking for in a man, like opening doors for me, coming when I call him, showering me with compliments and presents and it turns out Fez gets a tick in every box!"

"Sounds like Randy was a big help," Hyde said, eyes narrowing at the young man.

"Don't sweat it, man," Randy said. "After all – it's not like you ever loved her, right?"

"Of course not." Hyde's agreement fell out of his mouth before he knew it. "Jackie's nothing more than a spoiled, evil bitch that I was using for sex until someone better comes along – like a streetwalker or a stripper." For a moment anguish flashed in Jackie's eyes and Hyde wished he could take the vicious words back. Then the mask of the superficial bimbo fell back into place over her face, and she snuggled against her new suitor.

"Oh Fez, can you ever forgive me for not realising all these years that it was you that I loved?"

"Of course, my goddess. Can you forgive me for showing no interest in you aside from a detached sexual fetish ever since the ice cabin incident 4 years ago?"

"Of course, my love."

"Well now, seems like this is the sort of poignant moment that should be sealed with a kiss," Randy observed, grinning with a voyeur's enjoyment.

"Yes…I must…kiss… Fez now," Jackie said, her face unwillingly nearing Fez's as though an invisible hand was pushing it. The strain in her eyes was now clear to see and Hyde wanted nothing more than to pull her off his fruity friend's lap and shake her until his Jackie came back. But all he could do was stand unmoving and watch in disgust as his girlfriend french kissed Fez.

"Oh man, I don't know who those two are but even I know that is just wrong," he heard Dean mutter behind him. Apparently Sam and Dean were also suspended from action just as he was. Sam said nothing, just made gulping noises like he was trying to hold down his lunch.

"Hey Hyde, I bet you'd like to punch Fez for stealing your fiancé from you," Randy said slyly. Suddenly a strong desire to beat his old friend to a pulp filled Hyde.

"Hey, Winchester boys – isn't this the part where you do your thing and put your foot up the bad guy's ass?" Hyde hissed as he slowly moved towards Fez, fists clenched.

"Uh, yeah, about that. I kind of thought we'd be too strong minded for him to work his voodoo on us but judging from the way our feet are glued to the floor, I may have miscalculated there," Dean replied in a low voice.

Hyde stood before the now terrified Fez. Effortlessly he grabbed him by the shirtfront, displacing Jackie and pulling him to his feet. As he drew his arm back to strike the lethal blow, his eyes locked again with Jackie's and they held a silent scream. Then he saw Randy's malicious grin as he sidled up for a front row seat. Whether it was his love for Jackie or his old dislike of smug bastards who liked to pick on the foreign kid, somehow his fist flew past its intended destination and landed on Randy's face.

"Randy," Donna cried as the feather-haired fiend toppled unconscious to the ground.

Jackie and Fez looked dazed for a moment, before Jackie cried "Eeeew! I kissed Fez! With tongue! Oh my God, I need some industrial strength mouthwash now!"

"Yes, it was strange," Fez said. "I did not really want to kiss Jackie and yet I found myself doing it anyway. It was as if I was an actor playing a part that my heart was not in. Not that the kiss was not hot," Fez amended, so as not to offend. "I congratulate you, Hyde. Your girlfriend has a very strong tongue."

"It would be a good thing for your life expectancy if you forget all about Jackie's tongue," Hyde warned.

"Oh Steven, I can't believe those things I said and did," Jackie cried in remorse. "I didn't mean any of it. _You _are my perfect man. You have to believe me!"

"I know, baby. It wasn't your fault," Hyde said as he enfolded her trembling body in his arms. "Those things we said were put in our mouths by a sick and twisted mind. Besides, the idea of you and Fez as a couple is so insane no-one would buy it for a second."

Meanwhile as Hyde comforted Jackie, Sam and Dean sprang into action, tying Randy's hands behind his back while he was still unconscious.

"So what do we do with this guy?" Dean asked his brother. "Is he a demon or human? Or a bit of both? Damn it, I hate these grey areas."

"Maybe we can talk with him and convince him to reform?" Sam suggested hopefully.

"Or maybe we shrink his head the old fashioned way by putting a blunt-nosed bullet through it," Dean argued as he drew his revolver out of its holster.

"What is going on here?" Donna yelled. "Who are these madmen? And why did you punch Randy, Hyde? He didn't do anything to you."

"Donna, Randy has been brainwashing us," Hyde snapped back. "You don't really care about him – he's just made you think you do."

"That is nuts." Donna crossed to Randy and looked down on him with a troubled expression. "Randy is perfect. He loves me so much more than Eric ever did."

"That's not true," a familiar voice said from the basement doorway.

"Eric!" was the unanimous cry as his friends turned to face the linchpin of their group. He was a little browner, a little leaner and his face seemed more decisive than that of the green youth who had left Point Place, but it was undoubtedly Eric.

Donna regarded him from across the room, arms folded defensively. "What are you doing here?"

"I hopped on the first plane as soon as Jackie told me about your sideshow freak of a new boyfriend," Eric said, dropping his duffel bag on the floor. "Gotta say, didn't take you long to move on. How's that Shakespeare line go – 'the funeral baked meats did coldly furnish the marriage tables.'"

"Are you seriously laying a guilt trip on me? You dumped me, Eric. You promised you'd always love me and then 3 months later write me some impersonal rubbish about wanting to date other people. Well, I hope whatever topless African skank you dumped me for was worth it."

"Donna, I never wrote you that letter," Eric said. "How could you think I would ever dump you?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you didn't call me for a whole month!"

"I did call you. And every time I'd say 'Donna, it's me, Eric' you'd say 'I'm not interested in your damn magazine subscription' and hang up on me."

"No, that's just… I have your letter right here!" Donna pulled out the letter from her pocket and waved it as evidence before Eric's eyes.

"Donna, that's nothing like my handwriting."

"Yet it is," she yelled. Then she had a closer look at the letter. "No, it isn't," she realised in amazement. "But I could have sworn… what is going on around here?"

"What's going on is everybody is going to stand nice and still," a sinister voice said; Randy had regained consciousness. "Hey buddy, can I have your gun?"

"Sure," Dean said, handing it over helpfully.

"Thanks." Randy took the safety off the gun. "You know, Donna, I've been to great lengths to get rid of Eric," he said conversationally. "You have no idea how much it tested my powers to have you hear his voice and think it was someone else, or to make you mistake my handwriting for his. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to erase Eric from your heart is to actually erase Eric." Randy cocked the gun at the slender young man while Donna looked on in white-faced horror.

"Damn it, Randy! If you kill Eric, I'll never forgive you!"

"Oh really? Then how about if you kill Eric." Randy offered the gun to Donna. "Go on, Donna. Take the gun."

With tears running down her face Donna's faltering hand reached for the gun. "Please, don't make me do this," she pleaded as she slowly raised the gun to point at the man she loved.

"Donna, it's alright," Eric said in a low, melodic voice. "I am not the droid you're looking for."

"What do you think you're doing, man," Randy laughed sarcastically. "The Jedi mind trick? Please! You think you can out-mind-control me?"

"Turns out there's not much to do in an African village on the social side," Eric explained. "I've spent three months honing my Jedi skills. I can take you, you Farrah haired freak."

"Hey! My hair is pure Peter Frampton, you styleless geek, and I can crush you without raising a fing - "

THWACK!

"Way to go, Donna," Hyde praised as Donna glared at Randy's inert body.

"Yes! I am a Jedi Master!" Eric cheered. "Donna, you must have picked up on my subliminal message to pistol whip that son of a bitch."

"No, Eric. It's because my love for you was stronger than his power," Donna said. "Plus I think your crack about his hair got him mad enough to break his concentration so I could break away."

"Fine, continue in your unbelief. The Force is a hard thing for the unenlightened to comprehend."

"Eric, would you just cut the Star Wars crap and kiss me already!" With one mind they rushed into each other's arms and started making up for their 3 month exile from each other, murmuring apologies and endearments between kisses.

"Alright, we'd better get this bozo out of here before he can do more damage," Dean said as he and Sam hoisted the unconscious Randy between them.

"What are you going to do with him?" Jackie asked.

"We'll keep him unconscious until we figure that out," Dean answered. "But it's probably best that you don't know what happens to him."

"Well, I don't care what you do to him," Jackie replied. "He made me kiss Fez!"

"That's nothing," Donna added. "He almost made me kill Eric."

"I can top all of that," Hyde said as he put his arm around Jackie. "That bastard had me laughing at his lame jokes for a whole month! Not just jokes, but puns and bad impressions."

"Hanging's too good for him," Eric agreed.

Suddenly the basement door swung open and in breezed Kelso.

"Hey gang! What did I miss?"

……………………………………………………………

As the Impala tore up the highway, Dean asked his brother "So how long do you think that sedative we gave him will last?"

"Should give us enough time to get to Baton Rouge," Sam replied while leafing through a worn-looking diary. "Dad's journal says there's a witch doctor there who's got this crystal that drains these kind of powers. Guess old Randy will just have to use his personality to get girls from now on."

"Man, he's going to be one lonely bastard," Dean chuckled. "Hey Sam, do you remember how in your vision you saw something disgusting and unnatural? What exactly did you see?"

"It was that pretty brunette kissing the foreign guy," Sam replied.

"That was so bad it made you hurl your guts out? I mean, sure, she was too freakin' hot for that guy – in fact, she's too hot for Hyde, even if he does have decent taste in music – but I don't see why her kissing him would gross you out like that."

"It's hard to explain," Sam said, "but it was like it wasn't just me being turned off by it – it was as if 4.3 million people were all reacting to it at the same time and I was the conduit for their disgust."

"You're kind of weird, you know that?"

"You've mentioned it. So tell me, just who would be hot enough for that Jackie girl?"

Dean made a self-deprecating gesture. "Well, I don't like to blow my own horn…"

And the Winchester boys drove onwards to a new adventure of saving people, hunting things – you know, the family business.

**A.N. UP NEXT – VERONICA MARS**


	6. Veronica Mars Part 1

Chapter 6 – Veronica Mars – Part 1

**A.N. Did anyone else feel for Jackie during Tornado Prom? I mean, she had a really good attitude in the end about losing the Snow Queen, picking herself up and looking forward to next year, but she still got severely burned by not only her friends but her whole school! This chapter explores what would have happened if she had taken it hard.**

"Ooh, here's one," Jackie cried with a rustle of the want ads. "Mars Investigations Detective Agency, position vacant for junior associate". That would be so perfect for me! I could solve mysteries just like Nancy Drew!"

"Jackie, you could not even solve the mystery of why Kelso would show up for your dates with traces of three different lipsticks on him," Donna objected with an eye-roll for good measure.

"Gee, way to shoot someone down for the crime of stepping outside other people's expectations, Donna," Eric said moodily, his gaze never straying from the television. "Watch out, Jackie, if you don't toe her line she'll probably dump you for a new best friend."

"Well, at least I won't totally abandon her and move to the other side of the world even though she gave up her chance to go to college to be with me, you jerk," Donna replied.

Fez turned to Jackie. "Why Jackie, that was so sweet of you. I never realised."

"Fez, I think you're missing the subtext here," Hyde said. "You see, Donna is still pissed at Forman for running off to Africa. And Forman hasn't gotten past Donna's little stint as the Great Mesmero's girlfriend. You need to keep up, man, or you miss all the fun."

"You two are total downers today," Kelso decared. "There's like a cloud over you."

"The trained monkey is right," Hyde agreed. "And you know the best way to get rid of that cloud? Make a new cloud."

_15 minutes later..._

"So, how come you're on the job hunt again," Donna asked Jackie as she passed the pipe to her friend.

Jackie sighed. "WB came into the store yesterday and found Leo out the front giving a guy forty dollars change."

"What's wrong with that?"

"The guy came in to ask for directions to the post office," Hyde explained.

"And what were you two doing that no-one was on Leo alert," Eric asked. "Never mind – I can guess what you two were doing."

"You can't really blame my Dad for firing you, Jacks. You are way too distracting for the business world."

"I resent that," Jackie retorted. "And also, thank you."

"Hey Forman, you need a job? I figure I can work with you and not lay myself open to a sexual harassment charge."

"Hell, yeah," Eric enthused. "Since my term in Africa will only get me a quarter of my tuition, I have to work hard this year to earn money for college."

"Too bad you didn't have that motivation last year," Donna said. "We could be walking the UW campus right now – oh, but wait! You needed a year to find yourself. I'm so glad that the symbol of your love and devotion you once gave to me was able to finance your 9 month sabbatical on your ass in front of Gilligan's Island."

Eric turned to Hyde. "Man, I think this weed is tainted. It's supposed to be rich in flavour, not bitch in flavour."

"What did you just call me?"

"Alright guys, knock it off," Jackie yelled. "You two have got to get past all your old wrongs."

"Oh, what do you know about it, Jackie," Donna snapped. "Hyde gets you fired because he can't keep it in his pants and you thank him for objectifying you. You don't know what it means to be in a real relationship."

"Oh really? Well, this shiny boulder on my finger begs to differ, honey! And I'll tell you something, I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't practiced a little thing called forgiveness."

"Ooh, I feel a Hyde-messed-up story coming on," Fez said gleefully as he tipped back his head to receive a stream of M&Ms.

"It wasn't just Steven," Jackie said seriously. "I came very close to cutting my ties with everybody in this room once."

"Why? What did we do?"

Jackie took a long drag and then commenced her tale.

_It was the morning after the Snow Queen dance. I had just spent the whole night crying and cursing at Steven and Michael because of the horrible trick they played on me. As I walked up the school steps I prayed all my fellow students were too tactful to mention the fact that I had spent almost the entire evening with a unibrow drawn on my forehead but from the outbursts of laughter of everybody I walked past I knew that would not be the case. Even the teachers were smothering chuckles! Then I saw my 5 friends all clustered together near the lockers – they will comfort me, I foolishly thought. As I walk up behind them I hear Michael say_

"_My God, it was the best burn ever! The way she was introducing herself to everyone in the school and not even realising they were laughing at her, not with her – Oh man, you and Donna really missed out."_

"_I wish I"d been there to see it," Donna said wistfully._

"_Damn," Eric cursed. "Please tell me you took pictures?"_

"_Ah Eric, you know I always keep my camera with me for those special moments," Fez reassured. "After all, a room full of dresses with a hurricane approaching – the chances of a full skirt updraft have never been so good."_

"_Hey, can I have a copy?" Donna asked. "I could use something for my wallet."_

"_I'm gonna put Jackie's hairy brow on the front of my Christmas Card this year," Steven said. "She always wanted to be a cover girl."_

_As the gang burst into laughter, they turned to find me, the subject of their amusement, burning holes in their backs with my eyes._

_Michael of course tried to charm me. "Hey puddin'. We were just talking about you."_

"_I heard," I say with meaning._

"_Come on, Jackie," Donna started. "It was just a joke – Hyde plays pranks on all of us."_

"_Really? Tell me, when was the last time he played a 'prank' on you which held you up to the ridicule of the entire school and destroyed everything you hold dear – your looks, your reputation and your social standing?"_

"_Hey, we weren't even there," Eric tried to defend himself and Donna._

"_Yes, but Donna sure wishes she had been." I blaze reproach down on the girl who was supposed to be my best friend, the one person who is supposed to look out for me when the other idiots get carried away by their stupid burns. She had the grace to look ashamed. Without another word I turn on my heel and start to walk away when I hear Michael run up behind me._

"_Baby, don't walk away mad," he whined. "I'll tell you what – you can draw cat's whiskers on my face for revenge and I'll wear them all day just for you."_

"_You don't get it, do you, Michael? It's not just about the public humiliation. It's the way that you let Steven do that to me, even though you know better than anyone how important it is to me the way people see me. And you knew how much I wanted to win the Snow Queen title, but you let me blow next year's chances by making a fool of myself, wearing that hideous mark. When we got back together, you promised you would never betray me again but last night was a betrayal just as bad as when I caught you kissing Laurie – worse, in a way, because with her you made a fool of me before our friends but last night you did it before all of Point Place!" I do my best to keep my voice steady and hold the tears back as I say the fateful words. "After last night, I don't think I can ever trust you again."_

"_Jackie..." Michael was dumbfounded (a common condition for him). "What are you saying?"_

"_I'm saying I can't be with you anymore." I give him my saddest, serious look. "Goodbye, Michael."_

_By lunchtime my name was on everyone's lips, and not in a good way. As I carried my food tray towards the gang's usual table, I could see they were expecting me to just take my usual seat and let what happened blow over. I walked right on past them, nose in the air, and headed for the table I used to sit at – the cheerleaders table. But just as I put my tray down, Julie Phillips speaks up all snotty._

"_Hold on there, Jackie. What do you think you're doing?"_

_I fight bitchiness with bitchiness. "Well, it is lunchtime and I have lunch with me and I am in the room lunch is traditionally eaten in – I'm sorry, is that math too hard for you, Julie?"_

"_Oh, I'm great at math," Julie snarked. "Like the way when we added up the Snow Queen votes there were 14 more people who liked me better than you – that was an excellent bit of addition right there." Just to rub it in, she picks up her Snow Queen tiara and puts it on her head. "Just as well, really – the tiara would have clashed with your unibrow."_

_All the other girls laugh like the sycophantic airheads they are. I was just about to shove my creamed corn in Julie's fat face when who should put her ten cents in but Pam Macy, resident town whore and my old nemesis._

"_Oh by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about how you and Michael broke up." Judging from her obnoxious smirk, Pam was anything but sorry. "I guess it was only to be expected. After all, a guy that good looking needs to have a girl on his arm who is not so lax in her exfoliation habits."_

"_That unibrow was a fake and you know it," I said hotly, knowing I was playing into her hands. Don't let them get you mad, Steven once told me, but when a girl implies you don't know how to use a pair of tweezers, zen is just not an option._

_Pam laughed pityingly. "Don't worry about Michael. I'll make sure he doesn't lack for comfort. Really, it's so strange how the boys who date you come running to me afterwards. Even Hyde at that prom – wasn't he supposed to be your date that night?"_

_I don't know why that got to me like it did – well, I didn't know then. But suddenly the tears were spilling out of my eyes and I just couldn't stand it anymore, I went running from that cafeteria crying. As I ran past my old table, I noticed that this time the gang did not find my public torment funny – Steven's eyes in particular held mine for a brief second and I thought I saw something which I had never seen before, it almost looked like remorse. But then I figured it was probably just a reflection off his sunglasses and I ran out of the school and home to my empty house to hide out in my bedroom for the rest of the day._

_In that time, I decided that I would never forgive my boyfriend or my so-called friends for what they did to me. I also decided I had had enough of those facile bitches on the cheerleading squad. Then there were my parents, who made occasional flying visits to the family home but were never there when I needed them. From now on, I vowed, Jackie Burkhart was going to depend on only one person – Jackie Burkhart._

"Wow," Donna said as the teenagers floated back from Jackie's flashback into the present day. "I didn't realise you took it that hard."

Jackie exchanged a meaningful look with her fiance, who knew her better than anyone. "There's more to Jackie than what you see on the surface," he said. "Which is ironic when she can be so superficial."

"But you did forgive us," Kelso reminded her. "And you took me back – again."

"I know," Jackie said, rolling her eyes. "I'm saying I _almost _didn't. If I had stuck to my resolve, my life would probably be completely different."

"Different how?" Fez asked.

"Oh, I don't know," Jackie said dreamily. "Maybe I would have become a disillusioned loner and having to fend for myself would make me all tough and smart. Maybe it would have gone something like this..."

_Heartache blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. I made my choice._

_The next day I didn't walk into those school halls, I strutted. I had dressed with care that morning with special purpose. Usually my clothes scream that I'm cute, pretty and popular. This time, my tight black jeans, perfectly tailored black jacket and my sequined tank top of the American flag (which normally I would never wear outside a nightclub), told a different story. From the way conversations stopped and mouths hung open as I strode past, that story was pretty damn badass. I was just pulling some books out of my locker, for the first time ever not caring enough to look around and see who I could charm with my smile, when I felt a hand grab my arm and turn me around. There was Steven Hyde, looking angrier than he had any right to be at me._

"_What's all this about you breaking up with Kelso?" he demanded. "That moron was bawling his eyes out all over the basement yesterday. Then he had the nerve to turn around and blame me for the whole thing. Me! Just because you can't take a joke."_

_Trust Steven to turn this around so he had no culpability. "Tell me, Hyde, have you ever accepted responsibility for your actions? Or are you too afraid the earth might turn on its axis if such a crazy thing ever happened?"_

"_This is serious, Jackie. If you two don't get back together he's saying our friendship is over. Do you really believe one innocent unibrow deserves the destruction of a lifelong friendship?"_

_I fake wide eyes for him. "Oh no, you should get an award for what you did. In fact I want to congratulate you. Shake your hand. Congratulations! You've been named the world's biggest cockroach. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled lack of decency and humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone."_

_And with that I turn on my heel and give Steven Hyde the privilege of watching my perfectly toned ass walk away from him while he stares after me like he'd never met me before. He doesn't break out of it until one of the teachers taps him on the shoulder._

"_Mr Hyde, I was wondering if I could have a word?" he says ominously._

_  
Steven pulled himself together and reached deep for a smart-ass response. "Anthropomorphic. All yours, big guy."_

……………………………………………………………

_After school I dropped by the mall to quit my job as a cheese maiden; shilling dairy products in a pervy outfit was not exactly in line with my new image. Of course, it did raise the question of what I would do for money. I knew my Dad would resume my allowance once I told him I had broken up with Michael, but I was so fed up with the way he and my mom had neglected me in all ways but financially that I didn't want to be beholden to them anymore. So I went through the want ads, looking for a job which wouldn't display me like an Amsterdam window whore. I came upon just the thing…_

"_Hello, Mr Mars. I'm here about the junior associate position."_

_Keith Mars stood up. In spite of being bald, middle aged and on the short side, he was not bad looking. As he shook my hand, I sensed a shrewd intelligence behind that friendly face that had me assessed and decided on before I had even taken my seat._

"_So, what are your qualifications?"_

_I looked him coolly in the eye. "I have read every Nancy Drew mystery ever written."_

"_Oh really?" He looked amused. "Well, that should prepare you for life on the streets. OK, the job involves taking phone calls, typing reports and the occasional low level field work," he explained. "Think you can handle it?"_

"_Of course. I do everything well."_

_He chuckled. "This office wouldn't be complete without a tiny arrogant teenager."_

_So I began work at Mars Investigations. As we worked together Mr Mars told me about his daughter who had recently left for college. A couple of times I let slip information which gave him a pretty accurate idea about my home life, but then it never did take much for him to put two and two together. A father missing his daughter, a daughter in need of her dad – it was inevitable we would become such good friends. I was especially lucky to have him when news came out about my dad's embezzlement and subsequent arrest. At my school I went from being just another loner to being the most infamous character there. I mean, who doesn't love to see a princess get evicted from her ivory tower. As I became more disconnected from my own age group, the feeling of isolation became stronger. I fought it by making myself not care about what people thought of me, keeping myself distant from the emotional risk of friendship. At least, that was the plan until the day I met Wallace. _

_I was walking towards the front steps of the school when I saw a large group of students gathered around the flagpole. As I changed course towards it I saw what they were laughing and pointing at – a naked boy was taped to the flagpole. Of course, no-one made a move to help the poor guy, who I noticed was that new kid who transferred here about a week ago. _

"_Move," I said to the idiot who was taking a photo of the spectacle._

"_Who died and made you the quee-" He took a hasty step back when I popped my army knife open. "You ARE a freak," he sneered._

"_So who did you get on the wrong side of?" I asked the kid as I sawed through the tape, to the accompaniment of boos from my fellow students._

"_Some morons called Destroy and Give Back," he replied. "I wouldn't hand over my transistor to them, so this was the punishment." The skinny black kid looked around at the teenagers who were all drifting off to class now that their party had been pooped. "The kids here really know how to make a guy feel welcome."_

"_So long as you act like them and laugh at all their stupid burns, they're as nice as pie," I said with a sarcastic edge as I sliced through the last piece of tape which strategically covered his private parts. I handed him my sweater to tie around his waist, wished him luck and thought that was the end of it._

_I was sitting alone at my table, reading a fairly good Agatha Christie book (Mr Mars said I needed to expand my range) when someone sat down beside me. I couldn't believe it – there were not many people in this school so foolhardy as to interrupt my lunch._

"_Did I say you could sit here?" I ask in disbelief. Then he got this weary look on his face and started to repack his lunch. Feeling kind of guilty, I take it back. "Wait a minute. Of course you can sit here. Sit wherever you want."_

"_That - that was cool, what you did, cutting me off of that pole." He stuck out his hand for me to shake. "Wallace Fennell."_

_As I reluctantly shook his hand I had a feeling I had just set down a porterhouse before a hungry stray . I tried to warn Wallace that hanging out with me was social suicide, but he said "Well, I figure I've got a choice. I can either hang out with the punks who laughed at me, took pictures of me while I was taped to that flagpole or I can hang out with the chick who cut me down." How could I argue with that?_

"_I don't believe it," I hear an all too familiar voice behind me. "Don't tell me you've finally found someone who can stand to eat lunch with you?" The day just would not be complete without Steven Hyde's daily dose of persecution. He still blames me for the coolness between him and Michael._

_I turn around to face my tormentor. "Steven, where have you been?" I ask with a phony pout. "Are you harassing some other girl now? After all we've meant to each other?"_

"_Of course not – who could ever take your place? You make the perfect victim."_

_I turn to Wallace. "Every school has its obligatory psychotic jackass. Ours is Steven Hyde."_

_Steven turned his ice-cold blue eyes towards my new acquaintance. "You'd never believe it, but Jackie and I, we used to be friends."_

_I shake my head in disbelief. "That was a long time ago." For once Steven doesn't have a quick quip ready. He just treats me to that moody stare of his before walking back to his friends, who used to be my friends but now keep their distance. It seems every time I turn around, he's looking at me like that. Sometimes I get this feeling he has some scenario running in his head that involves what he'd like to do to me, something violent and physical, no doubt._

**A.N. Tell you what – I'll post Part 2 as soon as I get 10 reviews (from different reviewers). Extortion, I know, but I love them just that much!**


	7. Veronica Mars Part 2

**Veronica Mars – Part 2**

**A.N.Thanks for the reviews! Part 2 as promised.**

_So Wallace and I became BFF's – best friends forever, a nod to the teddy bear loving girl I used to be. His friendship was not only a welcome escape from lonely lunches, it also had a highly practical use when he became a volunteer in the staff admin department; his access to student records proved invaluable when my own little school-based detective agency sideline suddenly sprang up._

_I had been using my time working with Mr Mars well, soaking up all the tricks of the detective trade. I found to my delight the cornerstone of a good detective is the ability to lie at a moment's notice, a skill I have in spades. Watching Mr Mars gather information with just a single misrepresenting phone call was an inspiration to me and it was not long before I was helping out in the leg work – or lie work, to be more precise. But regarding my own private enterprise, it started with me making a couple of such calls to help Wallace out when his bicycle was stolen; unfortunately for the thief, the front chain ring was on its last legs which meant if he was going to make any use or profit from the machine, he'd have to get it fixed. So I called the two bicycle repair shops in Point Place posing as a props agent for some blockbuster movie being made in Chicago. They were only too happy to put me in touch with the boy who had brought in for repair the exact make of bike I was looking for._

_So a grateful Wallace was singing my praises which somehow led to me being accosted by every maladjusted teen who needed something found or something found out. My morning would usually go something like this..._

_Nervous looking nerd: I hear you do detective stuff for people.  
Me: I do favours for friends.  
Nervous looking nerd: I can pay.  
Me: Sit down, friend. What can I do for you?_

_I had some surprising clients, like the time the school's squeakiest clean class president asked me to get back some hard core porn photos from her ex. Or when my American History teacher, Mrs Delaney, hired me to follow her husband on Tuesday nights (it turned out he wasn't cheating on her but was engaged in almost as bad – Trivial Pursuit tournaments). Yet never in my wildest dreams did I think one day I would open my door to find Steven Hyde standing there, asking for my help._

_But that's what happened._

……………………………………………………………

"_Steven, what are you doing here?" In spite of better judgment, I could not help sounding concerned; he really did not look too good._

"_I want you to find my mother." _

_Now that was a shocker. Last time Steven mentioned his mother it was to say that it would be a cold day in hell before he'd ever so much as cross to the same side of the street as that faithless harpy. This was a change in tune that needed explaining._

"_Before you ask, I have not overindulged in bad film and plunged into some sentimental fantasy of a mother and son reunion." He paced my living room, holding his jacket around him tightly. "I need you to find her so I can find my dad."_

"_That makes even less sense," I point out. "I remember you saying the only person worse than Edna Hyde was Bud Hyde. Why do you want to find him?"_

"_I don't. I'm talking about my real Dad." Shades of the Young and the Restless! What was this? "I had to go into hospital last week when Donna accidentally pushed me off the water tower. Yes, it was an accident!" (this was in response to my raised eyebrows). "Anyhow, Mrs Forman happened to look up my birth certificate and it turns out my father isn't Bud – it's some guy called William Barnett."_

"_So you want to find this William Barnett?" Steven nodded. "What do you need me for? Don't you own a phone directory?"_

"_Have you got any idea how many William Barnetts there are in this country? I've already established he wasn't a local, which means he was just passing through and could be living anywhere. The only way I'm going to locate him is to ask my mother. Hopefully she'll be able to pick him out of a lifetime of one-night stands and tell me how to find him."_

"_I'm not trying to offend but from what I remember of your mother, that's a big "if". Plus she hasn't seen the guy in what – 18 years? Do you really think those memories have managed to survive two decades of hard drinking."_

"_Meaning what? You won't help me."_

"_I didn't say that. I just don't want you to get your hopes up."_

"_I'm not paying you to worry about my hopes. I'm paying you to follow leads."_

_  
"I wasn't aware you were paying me."  
_

_His walls came back up. "This isn't a favour, it's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets." ._

_  
"I'll stop braiding."  
_

_I told him to gather any old credit card bills of Edna's, social security number, that kind of thing and I'd run it by a contact I had at the unemployment office. Steven and I would meet now and then during the next week to discuss leads and dead-ends. I would make him tell me whatever he could remember about the kind of person Edna was, hoping it would give me ideas on how to find her. All it did was give me a better understanding about why Steven is the way he is._

_Then one day one of the little spider webs I threw out finally caught a fly. I waited in the parking lot for Steven before school so I could give him the good news. As he stepped out of his El Camino, he turned his best leer on me._

"_As a rule I like to start every school day with a hot brunette waiting for me in the parking lot."_

"_Me too!" I say with fake enthusiasm._

_  
"I'm not a brunette."_

_  
"Or hot," I point out. He ignores this as though the statement is too ridiculous to be worthy of comment, which I guess it was._

"_So, what have you got?"_

"_You know how you said your mother was always so proud of her glory days as a water-skiing acrobat? You said she had some great friends in her troupe. Well, I pulled her co-workers' employment records from those days, made a whole heap of calls and finally found her old friend, Gladys, who was matching tequila shots with your mom just last week. She told me Edna is actually pretty close to home right now – she hooked up with some insurance agent who has set her up in a swanky hotel in Chicago."_

_Steven tried to hide the hope that leapt into his blue eyes, but not well enough. "In that case, what are we standing around here for?"_

"_What about school?"_

"_Skipping one day won't kill you." Steven had grabbed my hand and was hauling me back to his car as he spoke. "Besides, I have a feeling that this day is going to be very educational."_

_Three hours later we were pulling up in front of the Chicago Grand. "OK, all I know about where Edna's room is that it's one of their deluxe suites, but of course the staff aren't about to give out her room number. Don't worry, there are other ways to get that info." As we made our way towards the front desk, I cautioned Steven, "I talked to this guy on the phone, let me handle it, he's a bit prickly."_

_The desk clerk raised an underwhelmed eyebrow at us. "May I help you?"_

_  
"You may," I replied. "My fiance and I are looking for a honeymoon suite."_

_  
"Oh how wonderful." He opened up the hotel display book. "These are our more affordable packages. The rooms run $75 for courtyard and $150 for full. On the weekends of course it's a two night minimum."_

_  
Affordable! Ha! "Of course. Here's a little bit more what I had in mind." I reach into my backpack and pull out my wedding scrapbook, the culmination of a lifetime of romantic dreams. To his credit, Steven hid his shock very well and actually played along pretty convincingly._

_  
"Wow sugar puss, you've certainly been a busy little bee."_

_I point to an extravagant Arabian Nights fantasy of a bedroom. "I'm actually looking for something more along these lines. Money is no object." That had the clerk licking his lips; people who rely on tips love to hear those words. He turned to Steven._

"_My compliments on your fiance's impeccable taste," he flattered._

"_Oh she's a keeper," Steven agreed._

"_You know, I just won't be able to decide on a room unless I see it for myself. I don't suppose there's any chance we could just go upstairs and have a little peek?" I bat my eyes winningly, hoping he will take the bait. Unfortunately, my charm is not enough to overcome his ingrained bureaucracy as he refused to bend the rules for us._

"_It doesn't matter," Steven said to me, his expression turning stubborn. He crossed to the lobby couch which faced the hotel lifts. "I'll just sit here and wait her out."_

"_You can't sit here forever. What do you say we smoke her out?"_

"_How?"_

"_Leave it to me." I pull out Edna's last credit card statement and call the cancellation hotline number on the lobby payphone. Making my voice all gravelly and middle-aged, I say "Hello, I'd like to report a stolen credit card in the name of Edna Hyde. I have reason to believe the thief has been charging room service on it at the Chicago Grand and thought I should alert the proper authorities."_

_It only took 15 minutes for a tall buxom woman to emerge from the deluxe suite elevator escorted by hotel security, huffing and complaining about how insulted she is that they have accused her of using a stolen credit card. But she went quiet when Steven stood up and stepped in her path._

"_Hello, mom," he said, stony-faced. The security guy seemed to realise this was not something he wanted to be involved in and he melted into the background. _

"_Steven? What the hell are you doing here?" If Steven's mother was feeling any maternal joy at seeing her long lost son, she hid it well._

"_I'm here for some answers."_

_Edna wasn't impressed. "What do I look like, an encyclopedia? I don't have time for a Q & A session right now. I have to go meet some friends."_

"_Well I'm sure Misters Walker and Daniels can wait another 5 minutes for you," Steven bit out, shoving his hands in his pockets. "This won't take long. I'm not going to ask you why you ran out on me two years ago, or why you used to bring strange men into our house when I was a kid or even what happened to my piggy bank when I was 7 – strange how it disappeared the night before one of your worst binges. All I want to know is who and where is my real father."_

_Edna looked frozen for a second but soon recovered her insolence. "How did you find out?"_

"_Birth Certificate."_

"_Well, I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore," Edna said to herself. "You're all grown up now. Fine – I cheated on Bud. He was giving me shit about how I was drinking too much and he wanted to settle down and start a family – like I was going to give up my water skiing career to drop a bunch of brats. So I went out to a bar and there was this tall, well built negro eyeing me." As she trekked further down memory lane, Edna began talking more to herself than to Steven. "From the first moment we touched there was this sizzle between us. We found a motel room and went at it like wild animals, so crazed that birth control never even entered my head. After a night like that, neither one of us wanted a one-night stand so I'd sneak out on Bud to meet Will. Those were the best six weeks of my life until I started throwing up and realised somewhere along the line I'd picked up a stowaway." She glared meaningfully at Steven. "I was so scared Will was going to leave me but I knew the only way out was to tell him the whole truth, which turned out to be a really bad idea because as soon as I told him I was married he hit the roof. He called me a whore and a cheat and was out the door before I even had the chance to tell him I was carrying his baby. He just left me."_

_As Edna wiped a tear from her eye, my hand crept into Steven's. His face looked like it was ready to crack with the emotional pressure burgeoning behind it. And I thought my mother was a bitch!_

"_Is that what you meant when you kept telling me I was just like my father," Steven asked. "You weren't talking about Bud walking out on you – you meant my real dad."_

"_Yeah," she admitted. "But I got my revenge on him. You see, family was always real important to Will, because he never had one growing up. We'd lie in bed and he'd talk about the sons he would have one day to carry on the new music business he had started. All he had at that time was a little girl who lived with his ex-wife. The night he walked out on me I promised myself he would never know that I was carrying his child. When the doctor first told me it was a boy I knew that I would have the last laugh on William Barnett – I had his only son and he was never going to know you, not until it was too late for him to feel anything but regret for all he'd missed out on."_

"_And what about me?" Steven asked, his voice ragged. "Don't you think I deserved to know my real father? And what a hell of a trick to play on Bud."_

"_So now you're worried about Bud's welfare? Isn't he the Big Bad Wolf. Cigarette burns and broken noses, oh, the stories you used to tell."_

_As Steven's eyes darted towards me, he must have seen the horrified shock on my face because he was quick to wrap up the interview._

"_Wow, it's been so great catching up with you, Mom." The sarcasm was dripping off his words. "Just tell me where I can find my real dad and I'll stay out of your life for good."_

_Edna shrugged. "Why not? He's the owner of the Grooves records chain – if you go to their head office in Milwaukee you'll probably find him there." Then she grinned evilly. "How I'd love to see the look on his face when you tell him who you are. The great William Barnett, descendant of African kings, meets his only son, Steven Hyde, descendant of drunks and white trailer trash. The poetic justice is beautiful."_

"_Shut up," I yell at her, opening my mouth for the first time. I had tried to give Steven some privacy during this meeting, but I couldn't hold back any longer. "Any man would be lucky to have Steven for his son – Mr Forman looks on him like one of his own, and he's not someone who is easily pleased. So just step off, bitch, and go ruin someone else's life!" I tugged sharply on Steven's arm and we left Edna to carry on with her empty shell of a life. My intervention was timely; we only just had enough time to walk into the empty hotel lounge out of Edna's sight when Steven's legs suddenly buckled and he sunk to the floor. I don't know how it happened but somehow I ended up cradling his head against my shoulder as hot tears leaked from his blue eyes._

……………………………………………………………

_We had driven all the way back to Point Place before the first word was spoken._

"_So... you're half black," I said. "Can't say I saw that coming."_

"_Well, it does explain my righteous fro. Not to mention my inborn distrust of the Man."_

"_When are you going to Milwaukee?"_

"_I don't know. I think I need some time to process, you know." I nodded in understanding. When we pulled up in my driveway, I was surprised when he came around the car to open my door. As we walked towards my front door, he suddenly said "Did you mean it?"_

"_Mean what?"_

"_What you said to Edna. That my dad would be lucky to have me."_

"_Oh." This was uncharted territory. "Yeah, I meant it. I didn't mean to _say_ it, but I did mean it."_

"_But I thought I was a cockroach? Or was it a psychotic jackass?" The smirk was back which I took for a good sign._

"_You're both. But you have your moments of being a decent human being. So long as the other person's name isn't Jackie Burkhart, of course."_

"_Are you saying I never had moments of decency with you? How quickly you forget, Grasshopper."_

_A small smile played over my lips. "I remember. You taught me zen."_

"_That's right. You were the first and last student to graduate my dojo of coolness."_

"_I'm still waiting on my diploma," I bantered._

"_Well, I'm still waiting on my thank you," he retorted. I raised an eyebrow in query. "I mean, I must have been one hell of a teacher, judging from how well you've been applying my lessons, ever since you decided to go solo." He took his sunglasses off and stood awkwardly facing me on my front door step. "I know that stupid joke I pulled on you had a lot to do with how that came about. I've been trying to tell you for a long time now that... I'm sorry."_

_I stared at him, totally baffled. "When did you try to tell me that? When you'd hunt me down every recess to try out your latest insults on me? When you smashed in the headlights of my car with a crowbar?" _

"_That was foreplay." He shrugged. "Alright, I admit it. I have some communication problems. But I'm telling you now, Jackie – I've missed you and... I really am sorry. For everything. OK? There's your apology."_

_I looked up into his face and saw such a vulnerable sincerity, like he was fully expecting me to reject his overture with some smartass burn but he had to say it anyway._

"_Here's your thankyou," I whispered. I reached up and planted a small thank you kiss just to the side of his mouth. _

_Steven looked at me in such amazement that I began to wonder myself what had possessed me to do such a crazy thing. I shook my head in bemusement and made to turn away from him when suddenly he grasped my arm and pulled me back. Before I knew what was happening he was kissing me with a passion that was far beyond my experience. It was as intense as that kiss we had shared on our Veterans Day date, sending every nerve ending in my body on full sensory alert. Like that night, I had an instinct telling me to break the kiss, to deny its impact because this guy has too much power over me; I could say goodbye to self-sufficient, in control Jackie it I let him into my heart. I was frantically debating what I should do when I heard..._

"Jackie. Jackie! JACKIE!"

"Huh?" Jackie looked around dazedly to find herself back in the circle, her friends all turning worried faces towards her. "What happened?"

Hyde held her tighter in the cradle of his arms. "You've been in some kind of trance for about 10 minutes now. You started telling us about some kind of weird alternate life you dreamed up and then you just went catatonic."

"I told Hyde he shouldn't let you take as much smoke as the rest of us. You're like half our size," Michael said, his big brown eyes full of fear.

"And a quarter the size of Donna," Fez said. He held up his hands apologetically to Donna. "Jackie would have wanted that said!"

"She's not dead, you idiot," Donna said impatiently "She just needs some fresh air. Jackie? Are you alright? Do you want some water? Or a soda?" Donna's voice rose to a shrill. "Can somebody please get her a soda!"

"I will," Eric cried, running frantically up the stairs to the kitchen, tripping painfully on the steps in his panic.

As Jackie surveyed the concern written across her friends' faces she snuggled deeper into Hyde's arms, reveling in her two favourite things; feeling loved and being the centre of attention. "I'm fine," she finally said. She reached up to stroke Hyde's cheek in reassurance. "Honest."

Hyde stood up, lifting Jackie. "Let's move this party outside – get some air."

Later, when heads were cleared and fears allayed, Fez said "So Jackie, you never finished your story. It was just getting interesting, too."

"Oh! Well, I became a schoolgirl detective and was totally badass..."

"Not that story! The real one – what happened between vowing to never forgive us for laughing at you and then coming back to the basement the next day like nothing had happened?"

"That part is Steven's story," I answer with a grin at my fiance. He pulls a face. "Unless you want me to tell it – with embellishments."

"God, no! I think we've had enough of your fantasies for one day."

"Come on, _Steven_," Eric jibes. "Teach us the meaning of forgiveness."

"Fine," Hyde replied. "This is how it went down..."

_There must be something seriously wrong with me, I told myself as I climbed this monster oak tree. The drinking and the pot must have eaten away at some vital brain cells. It was the only explanation for why I was climbing up to Jackie Burkhart's bedroom window like a bad Shakespearean actor. Why am I doing this, I keep asking myself._

_Then I climb through her open window and see her lying curled up on her bed, tear stains on her sleeping face, and I remember why – because I'm an ass. People tell me that a lot but it never really hits home until I make someone cry... well, not someone. Just her._

_I put my hand over her mouth to save my eardrums being punctured in case she starts screaming. She looked scared for a moment but when she saw it was me she got this other look which made me take my hand away real quick before she could bite it._

"_What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded._

"_Keep it down, man – are your parents home?" I didn't need breaking and entering added to my record._

"_Ha! Chance would be a fine thing." I took that as Jackie-speak for no. "Let me guess – you thought you'd sneak into my bedroom and give your admiring public a follow up to last night's performance. So what will I find when I look in my mirror, Hyde? A mustache? Side burns, maybe? How about a dashing goatee?"_

"_I come unarmed." I hold my arms up in the air. "You can frisk me for markers, if you want." She didn't look any more welcoming; in fact, I figured her next step would be to to put on those pointy toed boots of hers and then go to town on my shins so I decided to get to the point. "I'm not here to do anything to you, Jackie. I just came here to give you something." I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out the tiara . Jackie's eyes turned to saucers when she saw the piece of bling._

"_Where did you get that?" she said in this awestruck voice._

"_I swiped it off some annoying blonde cheerleader," I said carelessly. Like it was no big deal._

"_Why?" _

_Damn – I was hoping she wouldn't ask me that. "Well," I shrugged, "I figured that maybe I took things too far last night and I know the best way to make something up to you is to give you something shiny."_

"_So you stole the Snow Queen tiara off Julie Phillips?" I couldn't tell if she was pleased or shocked._

"_Hey, it wasn't really stealing," I defended myself. "I mean, you may be a pain sometimes but any moron can see that you should have won that contest hands down. I'll bet that Julie found some way to fix the election results. It's the only way she could have won."_

_To my relief Jackie grew a smile so blinding it outshone that tiara by a mile. "Thank you, Steven." She hadn't called me Steven in a while. Funny the things you miss. She giggled as she placed the shiny trinket on her head. "Now I won't even care if the other girls laugh at me tomorrow – I'll just think to myself that I'm the one who ended up with the crown."_

"_Oh, I think you'll find they've found a new kind of entertainment," I said with a grin. "Seems Pam Macy was walking around for most of the day with a sign taped to her back."_

_Jackie's smile got even bigger somehow. "What did the sign say?"_

"_It gave her rates – a quarter for first base, 50 cents for second and so on, all the way to the home run." Jackie started to laugh. "Funny thing is by the end of the day her pockets were full of change." That made her bend over, holding her sides. "Donna gave her one of those coin sorting machines that hawkers have on their belts. That's when Pam found out." That had Jackie laughing so hard I thought she might bring up her dinner. When she could speak again, she said "Donna did that? Because of me?"_

"_Sure. And Eric wrote the sign. Kelso and Fez distracted Pam while I pinned it on her. You see, it was a team effort. Although I have to admit, I was the brains behind it all."_

"_Of course," she said, giving me that look that tempts me to forget she's my best friend's girlfriend. Although, her parents aren't home and that bed looks pretty sturdy – stop it, Hyde! Bad friend!_

"_Well, I'd better get going," I say, inching back to the window._

"_Goodnight. And Steven - " she goes up on tiptoes and plants her lips lightly against the corner of my mouth. "Thank you."_

_I mumble something before somehow climbing out that window. And as I climbed down, I felt the place her lips had touched me burning their mark onto my face._

**UP NEXT - HOUSE**


	8. House

**A.N. Back at last! Sorry for the lengthy delay but the spirit has not been moving me to write. However, a week of relaxation in the Whitsundays has given me no excuse not to come up with a new chapter. To those of you who have not seen House, there really is a character called Eric Foreman. Why the writers would give him the same name as the central character on a popular sitcom, I have no idea. It wasn't an innocent mistake, as the show has made some sly references to Ashton Kutcher and House has been known to "burn" Foreman.**

**Chapter 8**

Dr Lisa Cuddy heaved a weary sigh as she stood outside Dr Gregory House's office door. Through the glass wall she could see him focused intently on some child's electronic game, pausing every so often to rub his leg, an action that was so automatic that he was not even conscious of it. _Time for round two_ she thought. _Or is it twenty-two?_

"So, you want to hit me with your logic in prescribing magic mushrooms to a 15 year old boy?" she demanded, closing the door forcefully behind her. House did not look up from his game.

"The kid's a jerk. Thought if we could loop him up on the good stuff it might give the staff a break from that acerbic wit. Also we could find out some embarrassing secrets while he's high to blackmail him with later." Cuddy's response was _the _look. House capitulated. "I think the brat has migraine clusters, which are treatable with the 'shrooms. If the fungi do their thing, we'll have our diagnosis."

"Do you think the next time you give a minor illegal drugs you could run it by me first?" Cuddy posited sarcastically.

"What? And throw off our whole dynamic?" House finally looked up at Cuddy and then immediately made a show of avoiding looking at her.

"What are you doing?" Cuddy asked, knowing she would regret the question.

"Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods."

The good doctor looked down at her partially unbuttoned shirt which displayed an enticing amount of cleavage. She crossed her arms over her chest and hoped it would pass for authoritative instead of self-conscious.

"I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!"

"Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine."

"God, House, why do you have to make everything so damn hard!" Cuddy exploded.

"Hey, you parade around funbags like those and then accuse _me_ of making things _hard_? Talk about the pot and the kettle."

"Grow up! You're in your forties, for God's sake, but you still hang onto the emotional development of a maladjusted teenager." Before House could make some quip about being as old as you feel, she had stalked out of his office. House frowned at his door – he hated not having the last word. The fact that there was entirely too much truth in Cuddy's parting shot also made him wince – no, wait a minute, that was his leg. With a groan he struggled to his feet; time to indulge in his own pet therapy that he liked to call pain transference. It consisted of finding somebody to torment so that his pain became insignificant compared to theirs.

Fifteen minutes later and House found himself frustrated. His team of doctors were all occupied with clinic duty, Wilson was at some medical seminar and Cuddy had wisely left instructions with her secretary to deny House admittance to her office. Frustrated, the unshaven misanthrope decided to check out what was happening in Death Wing. It was actually called D Wing but it had picked up its nickname as it was where terminal patients were housed. He figured if there was anyone more miserable and dissatisfied with life than himself, he would find that special someone there.

"Knock! Knock! Anyone still alive?" he called as he walked through the door. His eyebrows rose when he saw the tasty little candy striper sitting at the bedside of an elderly patient. Maybe there was some truth in that teenager-remark of Cuddy's, because there was something about this petite brunette that made him want to subtract about twenty-odd years off his life.

"Shhh! You'll jinx them!" she reprimanded, closing the book she had been reading aloud.

House raised amused eyebrows. "I believe their diminishing life force has more to do with the cancers chomping away at their essential organs than my careless greeting." The girl looked skeptical. "Trust me, I'm a doctor." The girl's distrust doubled.

"You're a doctor? I don't think so. A patient escaped from the psych ward I can believe, but you can't be a doctor."

"I can't be? Too bad no-one told me that before I wasted those 8 years on medical school." House gingerly lowered himself into a chair and stretched out his leg as he regarded the impertinent candy-striper. Her petite build and shining dark hair reminded him uneasily of someone but he could not pinpoint who. "So, what tipped you off that I am an insane charlatan posing as a doctor?"

"Simple; you don't wear a white coat, you walk with a cane and you didn't pretend that the patients in this room have a shot at recovery."

"Well, you did say your reasons were simple," House snarked as the girl turned back to the aged gentleman she had been reading to.

"OK, Mr Jenkins, I'll be back tomorrow with the next chapter of 'Pride and Prejudice' she promised.

"Bless you, Jackie," Mr Jenkins replied in a reedy voice. "You have truly brightened the final days of this lonely old man."

"Oh no, the pleasure is all mine," Jackie replied sweetly. "I know what it is like to be on your own without family. Feel free to think of me like a granddaughter."

As House listened to this exchange, his expression lightened with amusement. Jackie had not walked more than a few feet down the hospital corridor before he called after her, "Are you really that desperate? Surely there must be easier ways to get married than to circle the carcasses of the dying."

Jackie froze in her tracks and slowly turned to face the arrogant doctor, her face stunned. "How did you – I mean, why would you say such a thing to me? You don't know anything about me!"

"Well, that's true, all I know about you is your name is Jackie, you've been engaged for a while now but you're starting to get the feeling that your significant other is dragging his heels on the whole 'til death do us part' caper. Because you used to be wealthy, you think having money will somehow solve all your problems so you are trying to ingratiate yourself to a sick old man without any family who might want a share of the estate so you'll inherit enough money to get your wedding swinging. How did I do?"

"Who have you been talking to about me?" she demanded indignantly. "It was Fez, wasn't it? I'll kill him."

"Before you sharpen the knives for this Fez character, everything I know about you I've taken from our entire association of the last ten minutes. The way you were twisting your engagement ring on your finger when you were talking to old man moneybags told me there was a connection between your sycophancy and your wedding. You're reading to him a book whose central theme is women conniving men into marriage to achieve lasting happiness. Your shoes are from Milan but look to be at least three years old, suggesting that you haven't had the means to keep as up to date with expensive fashions as you used to. Plus there's no way a girl as young and pretty as you would be voluntarily reading books to depressing old folks."

Jackie stared at him in astonishment. "Who the hell are you, Sherlock Holmes or something?"

"It's House, not Holmes, but the comparison is not far off the mark. Except I don't wear a Deerhunter – makes my head look fat."

Just then a swarthy-complexioned young man interrupted House's preening. "Jackie, I think this whole candy-striping deal is a huge scam! I have just finished making my rounds and there was no candy showered on me at all! Just a scary old nurse who made me clean out bedpans."

"Fez, when I invited you to become a candy-striper with me at the hospital, I thought you knew there was no actual candy involved."

"Jackie, you have known me for many years. How could you think I would associate candy with anything but the sweet deliciousness that is the focus of my non-sexual dreams?"

"My mistake," Jackie acknowledged. She turned to House. "Hey, why don't you try your parlour tricks out on my friend here?"

"Parlour tricks?" House repeated in offence. "You call my omniscient powers of diagnosis parlour tricks? I have no interest in deducing anything about this foreign candy-crazed sex addict who has obviously not had any in months."

"How – "

"The wrist muscles of his right hand are more developed than his left."

Fez started in terror. "Aii! He is a witch doctor! Save yourself, Jackie!" Fez then ran for his life in such blind terror that he failed to avoid the doctor coming around the corner. With a great crash they were both knocked to the ground. "I – I am so sorry," Fez panted, helping the young black doctor to his feet. "It is just that I was escaping from a witch doctor before he could cast a spell on me and – wait, what does your nametag say?"

"Dr Eric Foreman," Foreman replied, taking a step back from the clearly unhinged young man.

"Oh no! Eric, what did he do to you? He has made you into a black man – and a doctor! Well, Miss Kitty will be happy about the last part, but how can I live in a universe where you are not a pasty faced geek? I must get out of here before he transforms my beautiful coffee-coloured skin. I am so sorry, my friend." With that, Fez bolted once again, leaving Foreman shaking his head in bemusement at the strange little foreigner.

After House and Jackie had watched Fez leave a dust trail down the hallway, she spoke.

"It's not what you think, you know," Jackie said. "With me and Mr Jenkins, I mean."

"Don't say that. Observing the depravity of human nature is my greatest enjoyment. I'd be disappointed in you if you were another one of those boring do-gooders spreading joy and sunshine everywhere you go."

Jackie observed his distracted expression. "You look as though you are thinking of somebody specific. Is there some good Samaritan out there whose kindness irritates you like corn stuck in your back teeth?"

"Huh. Not so bad with the observations yourself, are you now?" House admitted.

At that opportune moment Dr Alison Cameron walked around the corner and saw House and Jackie chatting together. She looked surprised and slightly put out to see her superior talking to an attractive female without his usual hostility.

"House, we did an echo on Mrs Kluger and it looks like you were right about it being Marfan syndrome."

"Structural abnormalities?" Dr Cameron nodded. "I knew it! Let this be a lesson to you, Jackie; I am always right."

Dr Cameron and Jackie rolled their eyes in unison. "If you're quite finished with your little self-congratulation ritual, perhaps you would like to prescribe a treatment for the patient?"

"Keep your panties on, Cameron. Always in such a rush. There's plenty of time for me do my victory dance, prescribe blood thinners for Mrs Kluger and for the hormonal Dr Chase to pull you into the supply cupboard and take your panties off. For all things under the sun, there is a season."

Jackie looked on in interest at the lovely young doctor; would she stammer and blush. Perhaps she would blow up at her boss for saying something so embarrassing in front of a stranger. Jackie was impressed when Dr Cameron held House's gaze steadily and said in an even voice, "What happens between Chase and I is no concern of yours. You lost that right a long time ago, by your own choice."

House's eyes skittered away from Cameron's stare. "Start her on a course of Bizopan, monitor her EKG. Update me when her condition changes." With a coolly professional nod, Dr Cameron turned and walked away. As he studied her retreating posterior, Dr House remarked to Jackie, "You know, I could have tapped that."

"Sounds like you still want to," Jackie observed.

"God, no," House denied. "Having all that goodness and sweetness around me 24-7 would drive me insane." Jackie raised an eyebrow. "Alright, _more_ insane."

"Men," Jackie lamented with a shake of her head. "They never know what's good for them. Even when they are lucky enough to have a woman in their lives who knows she is the best thing that ever happened to them, you idiots will still push her away."

"Jackie," a new voice broke into their much interrupted conversation. "I've got the Camino parked in an ambulance bay so if you want a ride you'd better move your ass now."

"Oh, Steven," Jackie said, turning to observe her fiance. "I was just talking about you. Goodbye, Dr House."

"So long, Miss Borgia," House replied. To his delight, she picked up the reference to the famous female murderess-for-profit and favoured him with a darkling look. No fool, the little candy-striper. That's when it hit him who she reminded him of; Stacey.

……………………………………………………………

"So, how did things go today," Hyde asked as he drove Jackie home. His eyes strayed to the way her pink-striped apron crept up her thighs and suddenly his mind became so distracted by naughty-nurse fantasies he was barely listening to his girlfriend.

"…and then Fez ran away in terror. I think he thought Dr House was another one of those mind-controllers like Randy."

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," he muttered. His attention was sharply pulled away from visions of Jackie giving him a sponge bath when she pinched his arm sharply. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Steven, you haven't heard a word I said," Jackie fumed.

"Sure I did. You read a book to some wrinkly old guy and Fez got scared by a house. Wait, that doesn't make sense; was the house haunted?"

"It was a _doctor_ called _House_," Jackie explained impatiently. "It's nice to see how interested you are in my work."

"C'mon, Jackie, candy-striping is hardly work," Hyde scoffed. "It's just the kind of thing rich dilettantes do to make themselves feel less of a parasite on the underpaid efforts of the common man. I don't even know why you're doing it – I thought you were all set on climbing the capitalist ladder to riches. Volunteer work isn't going to get you there."

"The only reason I was so eager to earn money was so we could finally take the next step in our relationship," Jackie growled, pulling her skirt over her knees. "I should think you'd be happy I'm doing unpaid work; the less I earn, the longer your life can continue in its usual boring way."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you are allergic to change! You're in no hurry to marry me because you dread getting off your lazy butt and messing with the humdrum rut of your life."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Did you think I wouldn't figure it out? The reason why you made that condition that I have to pay for the wedding? You thought I was so unemployable that I'd never make enough money to afford my wedding and you could just carry on the way you were, except now I'd quit nagging you to propose."

Hyde was taken aback; he had no idea she would ever figure out his original scheme. Strangely enough, somewhere along the line his plan had morphed into something else, where he was gradually getting used to the idea of domestic bliss with a small feisty princess. Now the wedding which had looked so misty and far away had become more real and less scary. But how did he explain this to the spitfire sitting next to him?

"Damn it, Jackie, I wouldn't have asked you to marry me if I didn't want to do it," Hyde said. "Maybe I did want to buy myself some extra time before my life is turned upside down but is that so wrong? Why do you always have to be in such a hurry about everything?"

"Maybe it's a reaction to the way you're always trying to keep things the same." Jackie answered. There was silence in the car before Hyde asked

"Are you giving up, then? Is that why you took this volunteer work – you're not going to try to save up for our wedding anymore?" Jackie heard a note of disappointment in his voice which gave her new hope.

"No, I haven't given up."

Hyde was surprised at the relief he felt at her assurance.

……………………………………………………………

"And they lived happily ever after," Jackie finished as she closed the love story she had been reading to Mr Jenkins.

"Another happy ending," Mr Jenkins sighed. "You know, I don't think I ever voluntarily read a romance novel in my life until you started assaulting my bedridden ears with them. Now my only regret is that I could have been reading such exciting tales like this 'Mutiny From Behind' instead of the stock market reports."

"To my mind if a story doesn't end in a wedding it's not worth reading," Jackie said. "Although I also love those epilogue chapters where they show how happy the hero and heroine are a couple of years later with their babies and everything."

"From that ring on your finger, I can guess why marriage is your favourite plotline," the old man said with a twinkle in his eye. "Have you two set a date yet?"

"Um… not yet. We have some things we need to… sort out first. Financial stuff."

"Well, I hope your 'financial stuff' is sorted out quickly. A sweet girl like you deserves your own happily ever after.

Jackie blushed, though more from guilt than from his compliment. She hid her discomposure by fluffing his pillows while wondering how things had become so complicated.

When she had read that article in the Wisconsin Times about the nurse who had inherited fifty thousand dollars from a grateful elderly patient she had tended, Jackie had been so swept away by the idea of a quick and easy solution to her wedding dilemma that she had not stopped to consider the ethics. Nor had she counted on developing a fondness for her subject, but Mr Jenkins reminded her so much of the dear old grandfather she had lost when she was eight that each day she was losing sight of her objective.

"So, what would you like me to read next? 'Love Don't be a Stranger' or 'A Pirate's Passion'? Mr Jenkins? Mr Jenkins!" Jackie's heart lodged in her throat as she realized her patient had lost consciousness. When the heart monitor he was hooked up to started to make scary sounds, she started to panic and slammed her palm against the On Call button repeatedly. Within minutes Dr Wilson, the Oncology specialist, was in the room and issuing orders to the nurses. Jackie backed up against the wall and watched, tears rolling down her cheeks, as they tried to revive the kind old man she had come to care for. It was about half an hour later that Dr Wilson touched her arm, rousing her from her thoughts.

"Are you alright?" he asked. "I know watching someone die can be an emotional strain, so if you want to take a break – "

"What? He's dead?" she cried.

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time now," Dr Wilson said. "You need to prepare yourself, Jackie. He's probably not going to make it another 24 hours."

Jackie shook Dr Wilson's hand off her arm. "How can you just give up like that?" she cried angrily. "There must be something you can do to save him. Maybe it's not cancer, did you think of that? Maybe he's got something that can be fixed. You could have the wrong diagnosis." As she said the word 'diagnosis', she suddenly remembered the rude doctor with the uncanny diagnostic skills she had met yesterday. Since then, she had heard the nurses talk about Dr House, usually complaints about his nonexistent people skills, but also tales of the miraculous eleventh hour saves he had made on patients that other doctors had given up on. Before Dr Wilson could defend his competence, Jackie had raced out the door.

……………………………………………………………

"How can you even think of putting Mr Powell in a coma against his will just to satisfy your curiosity?" Cameron asked indignantly.

"Oh, come on," House replied. "He's old and sick and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him." House and his minions were gathered around a whiteboard, debating whether to continue treatment on a man who wished to die. Unfortunately, House had not yet pinpointed exactly what was killing the patient and until that happened, the unlucky stiff would not be allowed to shuffle off the mortal coil anytime soon. "I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him you're mad. "

"All he wanted was some dignity," Cameron said.

"Were you in that room with him? Was he wearing a tux while he was choking on his own plasma? Keep doing the tests. Take your time, do it right. Go." As they shuffled out Foreman said to Chase "I think it could be Lupus."

"You always think it's Lupus," Chase replied.

Just as House was wiping the whiteboard clean, a breathless candy-striper burst into his office.

"Dr House – you have to come quickly," Jackie cried as she grasped his arm.

"Oh, you again. What's got you all hands-y? It's the cane, isn't it? Chicks dig this - it's better than a puppy."

"You have to save Mr Jenkins," Jackie insisted. "Dr Wilson said he won't last another day but there must be something that can be done. I'm sure if you had a look at his chart you would find a way to cure him."

"But why would you want him cured? Doesn't it make your little heart beat faster to know you're that much closer to the reading of the will?"

"I don't care about that anymore," Jackie said. "It was a stupid plan anyway – even if it had worked out and I had the money Steven would have found some other excuse not to marry me."

"So, I take it your fiance is the illegal parker from yesterday."

"Yes, but come on, you have to do something about Mr Jenkins. I'm sure that Dr Wilson has just missed something or mixed up a blood test or – "

"Jackie," House said, his tone gentling. "Wilson is one of the foremost oncology specialists in Wisconsin. If he says a cancer is terminal, then I'm afraid that's all there is to it, kid."

"So you're not going to do anything?" Jackie asked with heartbroken eyes. It was a look that the strongest men (aka Red Foreman) had crumbled under and even House's monumental crustiness was not proof against it.

Almost against his will, House promised "I'll do what I can to help you." Before he knew it, Jackie had him imprisoned in a grateful hug. _What the hell am I going to do now?_

……………………………………………………………

It was the end of the working day when House was passing by the reception desk and recognized the curly-haired rebel he had met yesterday. Hyde was just asking the attending nurse how much longer Jackie would be when a doctor with a cane and starkly chiselled features interrupted him.

"Oh my God, how long have you had that growth?" House said, his face a mask of concern.

"Huh? What growth?" 

"The one on the back of your neck. Wow! I haven't seen anything that nasty since that year I spent in Africa. You don't usually see flesh-eating diseases like that above the equator."

Hyde's naturally pale face turned even paler. "Flesh-eating?"

"You'd better come with me to the clinic," House advised. "Maybe – just maybe we'll be able to catch it in time."

Before he knew it Hyde found himself sitting on a hospital gurney in the free clinic.

"So, what do you think, Doc? Is it bad?" Hyde asked nervously.

"On second thoughts, it's probably just a mole," House said cheerfully.

"What? What kind of Doctor mistakes a mole for a flesh-eating disease?"

"Ah, that was camouflage," House dismissed with a wave of his hand. "I just wanted to meet you. From what Jackie has told me about you, we have a lot in common."

"Wait a minute – are you that Dr House she was talking about?"

"One and the same; nice to know she's started telling her friends about me. You know, once you get tired of her, I think I could have a shot there."

"You do realize you're talking about my fiancé?" Hyde said ominously.

"Psshh! No need to keep up that charade with me, kid. Hell, you're not even fooling Jackie with it anymore."

"What are you talking about. There's nothing fake about our engagement. Did Jackie tell you there was."

"I feel for you, man. Nothing worse than when you get to that point in the game where they know you well enough to catch on and see what you're doing. The trick is to cut them loose before that happens, but I guess you missed your chance. Never mind – from one commitment phobe to another, there's always some deluded chick out there who thinks you're a cause worth saving."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hyde demanded, becoming increasingly aggravated.

"Of course, the irony is that it's that first girl you let get away, the first one that got under your skin; she's the girl who's going to sabotage your chances with the women who come after. Nice women, beautiful even, but you know you'll never be able to give them your heart like they're begging you for because you left it behind with Girl Number 1."

"Look, I don't know what you think is going on here but Jackie and I are just fine. No-one is breaking up here."

House waved Hyde's assertion away like it was a technicality. "Kid, there's no need to keep up the denial with me. I mean, if even Stacey has twigged that you've no intention of marrying her, there's no need to keep up the act with me."

"Stacey? Who's Stacey?"

"Oh – right. That's just my pet name for Jackie," House covered. "Anyhow, my point is that when Jackie came to me and demanded that I save the goner she had earmarked as her own post mortem sugar daddy, it was because she knew that not even a nice fat inheritance would sweeten the marriage deal for you so why even bother. To be honest, I kind of lost interest in her after that. She was much more fun when she was a black widow but then she had to get soft. Really, you're better off without her."

Hyde was in a daze. "Jackie was trying to do what?"

"Let me walk you through a day in my life, kid – it'll give you something to look forward to once your girl dumps your procrastinating ass." Fixing Hyde with his intense gaze, House proceeded to do just that.

Half an hour later when Steven Hyde emerged from Dr House's office, he looked as shaken as if he really had been diagnosed with a flesh eating disease. He walked the hospital in a kind of trance, which was only broken when he came upon Jackie. She was sitting in an alcove, her handkerchief wiping away the tears that flowed from her mismatched eyes.

"Jackie, are you alright?" he asked in concern.

"Oh Steven," she cried, throwing herself into his arms. "Mr Jenkins just passed on! They told me it was going to happen but I didn't really believe it. I thought Dr House would charge in and save the day but he didn't do anything! And he promised he would help me!"

"Did he?" Hyde murmured. "I'm sorry your friend died, Babe. I know how hard this is on you, but at least he's not in pain any more."

"I know," Jackie sniffed. "He was sick for a long time. I heard one of the nurses say that he used to be a wealthy man before all the hospital bills ate up his savings."

"When did you hear that?"

"Last week."

Hyde smiled. So Jackie had known for a week that her pigeon was not so plump after all. Trust her marshmallow heart to spoil her hardbitten plan.

"Listen, Jackie, I've been thinking about what we were talking about the other day," Hyde said as he cleaned her face. Jackie's eyes widened in surprise that Steven would voluntarily bring up this topic. "Look, I don't want to be the kind of guy who loses his girl because he's afraid of change and making a commitment and then turns into a aggravating smartass who pisses off everyone he comes in contact with."

"I hate to break it to you, Steven, but it may be too late for that," Jackie said with a slight smile.

"Very funny. What I'm trying to say is I'm ready to take the next step in our relationship."

Jackie's face lit up with hope. "You mean…?"

"Jackie Beulah Burkhart, will you do me the honour of… shacking up with me?"

**UP NEXT – WHAT APARTMENT-BASED SITCOMS WILL JACKIE AND HYDE BUMP INTO IN THEIR SEARCH FOR A PLACE TO LIVE? STAY TUNED – I'M STILL WORKING ON THAT QUESTION MYSELF.**


	9. Seinfeld

**Chapter 9**

**A.N. Did you think I had abandoned this story? Not at all! I have to admit this chapter is a work of self-indulgence as it strings together a lot of my favourite Seinfeld quotes, but as I have yet to meet someone who does not appreciate the way of the Sein, I doubt that anyone will object. **

"So, what's this big announcement you've brought us all here for?" Eric asked, gesturing to the rest of the gang and his parents assembled in his living room. "Because if it's that you're getting married, I've already heard it."

"Jackie, remember what I said about breaking this gently," Hyde murmured to his fiancé, shooting a significant look at Mrs Forman. His surrogate mother never reacted well when one of her chickens tried to escape the nest.

"Steven, relax," Jackie replied "I am the essence of subtlety. OK," she announced to the group, "all the mothers in here who have two boys living under their roof, take one step forward – not so fast, Mrs Forman!"

Kitty looked befuddled. "What? What do you mean?"

"Real smooth, Jacks,"

Red's face started to light up like a Christmas tree. "I don't believe it! You mean to say he's finally moving out?" Red turned to Eric and started pumping his hand. "Congratulations, son! Do you need a hand packing? I've got some spare boxes in the garage I've been saving for this occasion."

"Red, it's not Eric," Hyde interrupted. "I'm the one moving out."

Red's happy grin fell off his face. "Oh." The disappointment was palpable. Eric threw an arm around his father's shoulders and squeezed.

"Don't worry, Dad. You still have me."

"Isn't this great?" Jackie squealed. "Steven and I are going to move in together! We'll be like test-driving each other for marriage."

"Jackie, this is the seventies," Fez said, shaking his head. "Nobody buys American anymore. Now you want some good mileage, you should check out what's under the hood of a little foreign number like myself."

Kelso looked his friend over speculatively. "You know, I don't see you as a car. You're more of a donkey pulling a colourful wagon kind of guy. Unlike me, who's pure Ferrari."

"I guess that would make you a Mustang, Steven," Jackie said to her boyfriend with a seductive smile. "I always wanted a Mustang." This precipitated a hot and heavy kissing session which was cut short by Mrs Forman's wailing cry.

"My sweet Steven is leaving me," she sobbed. "Why, Steven? She can't even bake a pie! And you love pie! You know she won't be able to take care of you the way I can."

"Judging from the way she's got her hand under his shirt, she can take care of him in entirely new ways," Donna smirked.

"Oh my God, I am brilliant," Kelso exploded.

Eric looked doubtful. "That depends; are you comparing yourself to a dog or to plankton? Because I think you may have a shot against the plankton."

"Guys, there's a vacant apartment in our building!"

"That's right," Fez realized, a huge smile splitting his face. "It is just across the hall from Kelso and me! Just think – we can watch TV together and hang out together and smoke… hams together," Fez finished with a shifty look at Red. "It will be a whole new world!"

"Yeah, because it's not like we've ever done that before," Eric said.

"Cool," Hyde approved. Jackie, however, was not quite so sold on the idea, as evidenced by the way she grabbed Hyde's arm and pulled him into a corner of the room.

"Steven, no!" she objected in a harsh whisper. "I don't want to live opposite Michael and Fez."

"What? Why not? You're always saying how much you like their building."

"It's not about the building. Look, we spend 90 per cent of our free time hanging out with our friends and you know I love them all but don't you think that maybe we're all a little too close?"

"Too close?"

"Yes! We are all so dependent on each other that we've closed ourselves off to meeting new people, trying new experiences." Jackie sidled up to her fiancé and hit him with the puppy-dog eyes. "Can't we find a place where we can branch out and meet new people? Please?"

Hyde crumpled under the power of her pout. "Fine, whatever. But I don't get your sudden fascination with finding new friends. I think this lot still have plenty of wear in them."

"Oh, Steven, I'm not talking about replacing them. I'm just looking for some accessory friends," Jackie said, as they watched Eric and Fez try to detach the Littlest Hobo statuette which had somehow become super-glued to Kelso's hand. "It's like with Barbie dolls – you have your core group with Barbie, Ken and Skipper but then the real fun is in picking up the dream house and the campervan."

……………………………………………………………

"Oh my," Kitty exclaimed as she watched a stream of cars speed by. "Are you sure you want to look at apartments so close to the Point Place business district? I mean, it's like New York City around here."

"It will be close to Steven's work place," Janet, the real estate agent, explained. "Besides, most young couples like a bit of hustle and bustle."

Hyde took Kitty's arm to guide her across the busy street. "Me, I don't mind the hustle, not so big on the bustle."

"Come on, you two, let's check out this place before someone else grabs it," Jackie admonished, charging into the building.

The apartment was quite unobjectionable; nice view over a small park, fresh coat of paint, good sized rooms. Jackie was thrilled.

"Steven, isn't this place perfect? We even have a spare bedroom we can have ready for when one of our friends wants to sleep over or for those times when you are being too… you."

"So, what, you want to sign the lease? It was a short house hunt, but I'm not complaining."

"There's just one more thing we have to check out before we sign anything – the neighbours. See if there are any that have 'friend' potential. Or at least aren't the kind to break into our place while we're out."

"That alone would put them a notch above Fez," Hyde pointed out.

"Mrs Forman, Steven and I are just going to meet some of the other tenants," Jackie informed Kitty. "Will you be alright here?"

"Oh, of course," Kitty assured with a wave of her hand. "It'll give me a chance to have a nice get-to-know-you talk with Janet here. Now Janet," Kitty trained suddenly piercing eyes on the agent. "How do you sleep at nights when your life's work is tearing children away from the bosom of their loving family?"

Jackie and Hyde thought that would be a good time to make their exit.

Once they were in the hallway, Hyde started to rethink Jackie's plan.

"Jackie, this is an apartment building. We can't just knock on people's doors and demand to meet them. It's not like we're down south where everybody is sitting in rocking chairs behind screen doors…" Hyde stopped short as they passed by a doorway quite unlike the other standard wooden doors in the building. This one had a wire screen door, a welcome mat and behind the screen door they could see a man with a craggy face and an upward shock of curly hair sitting in a rocking chair, smoking a pipe. "Huh."

"Hello," Jackie greeted from the hallway. "We're the new neighbours."

"Well, hello there, little lady," the man replied in a suave voice at odds with his klutzy movements which sent his chair into a rocking frenzy as he extricated himself. "I'm Cosmo Kramer, your very own welcoming committee." He came out into the hallway to meet the young couple.

"I'm Hyde, this is Jackie," Hyde introduced. "Don't listen to her, though. We're just looking at the place, we haven't signed anything."

"Yet," Jackie finished. "We just wanted to see what the neighbours are like first."

"I'm not going to lie to you, Jackie," Kramer said. "We're delightful."

"Really?" Jackie's nose wrinkled as she caught a whiff of Kramer's breath. "So the standards of hygiene are pretty high around here? Like say, dental hygiene?"

"Oh, you mean my breath?" Kramer pointed to his mouth. "This is because I've got a dentist's appointment tomorrow. You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist. 

"I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'." Hyde suggested.

**"**Oh, you gotta eat before surgery," Kramer corrected. "You need your strength." Kramer motioned for the two to follow him. "Come and meet my friends; I'm sure they'll swing your vote."

They followed the weird hipster doofus into the apartment opposite as he flung the door wide and not so much entered as launched himself inside. The occupants must have been so accustomed to this that they did not even look up. Jackie peered around Kramer to find a short portly bald man holding forth to a tall thin man and an attractive big-haired brunette. All four of their new acquaintances were in their thirties.

"I can't believe they wouldn't fire me, Jerry" the bald man complained angrily. "I have this sweet new job lined up, all I need is for them to fire me. So I decide, this time I really want to leave my mark. Like remember that summer at Dairy Queen when I cooled my feet in the soft serve? Something like that. Go down in a final blaze of incompetence! But no matter how bad I screw up, they find a way to overlook it." He shook his head sadly. "And to think I'd fail at failing..." 

"Aw, come on, now," Jerry urged. But bald man was despondent. 

"I feel like I can't do anything wrong." 

"Nonsense. You do everything wrong." 

"You think so?"

**"**Absolutely. I have no confidence in you."**"**Well, I guess I'll just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again." 

"That's the spirit. You suck."

"Hey guys," Kramer interrupted the pep rally. "Meet Jackie and Hyde – they're thinking of moving into 7B."

Jerry stepped forward. "Hello, I'm Jerry Seinfeld and I'll be your startled random building tenant for the evening."

"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Elaine," the big-haired brunette said, coming forward.

"Oh, I love your shoes," Jackie gushed. "Where did you get them?"

"Botticelli's."

"Oooh, Botticelli's," Jackie repeated archly. "Look at you."

Elaine smiled and laughed, then turned around and muttered to Jerry "Hate her."

"That would make me George." George came forward with a disingenuous smile, his focus mainly on the pretty girl. "I'm an architect."

"Really?" Jackie said, impressed.

"No, not really," Jerry interposed. "George, why are you giving them a bogus background? If they come and live in the building, they're going to find you out."

"But you know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect." George whined.

"You'll have to excuse George, he's just a little truth-challenged," Elaine explained to Jackie and Hyde. "Just last week I heard him telling the coat check girl at Mindy's that he'd just closed on a house in the Hamptons."

"A house in the Hamptons?" Jerry quizzed. George shrugged.

**"**Yeah. I figured since I've been lying about my income to her for a couple of years, I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons."

"Well, I guess you've earned it," Jerry conceded.

George turned back to Jackie and Hyde. "So, what's your story?"

"Steven runs a record store, I am a multi-talented individual who has yet to find her true calling and we are engaged to be married."

"Engaged, huh?" George repeated speculatively. "You know, this time last year I was engaged."

"How did that work out for you?" Hyde asked.

George shrugged. "No complaints."

"No complaints?" Elaine cried. "Your fiance died licking the seals on the cheap toxic wedding invitations that _you_ selected. And you have no complaints?"

"I am a complex man with a deeply philosophical nature, Elaine," George said loftily.

"OK, this is getting a little too crazy for me," Jackie said, holding up her hands. Just then the telephone rang.

Jerry excused himself from his guests and picked up the phone. "Hello?" He listened as a telemarketer went into his sales pitch. **"**Wow, that time-share deal sounds great butthis isn't a good time." 

"When would be a good time to call back, sir?" the telemarketer asked.

**"**I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?"

**"**Umm, we're not allowed to do that."

**"**Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home." 

"Umm, no." 

"Well, now you know how I feel," Jerry finished as he hung up the phone decisively. 

Hyde grinned in admiration. "Alright! That was awesome!" He turned to Jackie. "You know, I could live next to these guys. I mean, they may be a bit weird and not care about anyone but themselves, but that's not exactly new territory for us."

"I guess," Jackie agreed doubtfully.

Just then Mrs Forman stepped through the front door that Kramer had left open. "There you are! I thought I would hunt you down seeing as how I was getting a little lonely."

"What happened to Janet?"

"Oh, she suddenly remembered she had an emergency to get to and ran out the door. Such a strange person – I mean, who forgets about an emergency?"

"Oh my God," Jerry said in tones of horror. "It's _you_!"

"Excuse me?" Kitty replied.

"You're that agent I used to have – the one who would try so hard not to freak me out that she totally freaked me out!"

Kitty was starting to feel a little insulted. "Now look here, mister, I don't know who you are but you had better watch your tone before you get all snippy with me!"

Kramer peered closely at Kitty's face and then startled backwards, knocking over a coffee table in the process. "Great balls of fire! She looks exactly like her."

"Looks like her! It is her! I'd know that grating voice anywhere."

"Hey!" Jackie objected. "You'd better watch how you talk to Mrs Forman." Hyde backed Jackie up by taking a menacing step towards their host.

"You know, we don't need this," he said. "To hell with your vacant apartment! I hope a mediocre oboe quartet rent it for their rehearsal space. That'll teach you the meaning of freaking out." And in a unified huff, the three walked out.

"Oh, real nice, Jerry, real nice!" Kramer accused. "They were just two crazy kids in a cruel world, looking for a kind word and a few new friends, and you have to drive them away!"

Jerry waved a hand dismissively. "That's fine for them – they're still young enough to make new friends. It's a different story for us. When you're in your thirties it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the group is that you've got now, that's who you're going with. You're not interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in seeing any applications. If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or someplace I'm sure you're a very nice person you seem to have a lot of potential, but we're just not hiring right now."

"Is he still talking to us?" Elaine asked George.

"Just wait it out, Elaine," George sighed.

"Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody," Jerry continued. "Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, that's my friend, they're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up.? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!"

"Let's go grab some nachos with extra salsa at Monk's," Kramer said. Elaine and George nodded and headed towards the door.

"You know why salsa is the number one condiment in the USA?" Jerry said. "Because people like to say 'salsa.' 'Excuse me, do you have salsa?' 'We need more salsa.' 'Where is the salsa? No salsa?'"

It was at this point that Jerry's three friends started pelting him with whatever was to hand.

……………………………………………………………

_The next day…_

"So day one of the house hunt didn't go so well?" Donna asked sympathetically.

"Not so much," Jackie admitted.

"Never mind, let's drown your sorrows in pizza."

After looking at three other apartments which had either failed to meet Jackie's aesthetic and social standards or it was too close to a government building for Hyde's comfort, Jackie and Hyde were taking a short break from the search. The two girls had left their men-folk at Grooves engaging in their favourite illicit pleasure while they went exploring New Boston, a small university town on the outskirts of Madison. As the time for Donna and Eric to leave for college came closer, the proud redhead wanted to show her friend around her new kingdom. With just a small hidden agenda.

"You know, Jackie," Donna said as though the idea had only just occurred to her, "if you were to find an apartment around here, you and Hyde would be much closer to me and Eric."

"That would be great," Jackie cried. "Except… well, it's an hour away from Point Place. That's a big commute for Steven."

"Are you kidding? An hour is nothing! And Hyde loves to drive. I think you and I should check out some apartments around here."

"Well, it is very pretty here," Jackie wavered, "and pretty is always the most important factor."

Donna smiled in triumph and picked up a menu. "Jackie, you have to try the Canadian bacon pizza," she assured her friend. "When Eric and I were checking Madison out as our future college, it was the sublimity of this pizza which clinched the decision."

"Sounds like you ate here often." Jackie slid her eyes over Donna's waistline. "Looks that way, too."

"Yeah, all that weekend. Oh, and the waiters here are hot, even if they are kind of nuts."

Instantly, two good looking guys wearing white wrap-around aprons were hovering over Jackie and Donna. The tallest of the two, who was so good looking Kelso would have been up in arms at the sight of him, fixed Jackie with the assessing gaze of a crime scene detective.

"Who are you?" Jackie asked.

The tall blonde hottie flipped over a page of his order pad and poised his pencil as though ready to take her statement. "I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels."

His dark haired partner said in a perfect 'cop' voice, "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?"

Donna rolled her eyes. "Jackie, meet Pete and Berg."

**UP NEXT: TWO GUYS AND A GIRL and also FRIENDS  
**


	10. Two Guys and a Girl

Chapter 10

**A.N. I know it's been over a year but I had a real stumbling block with this chapter, even though this is one of my favourite shows and I have all the DVDs and I know a lot of the dialogue by heart. Go figure. In fact, before I became a zennie I had a huge ship for Berg and Irene – their crazy romance in the fourth season is what made me go mad for this show. So I hope there are enough TGAAG fans out there for this chapter to make sense.**

**Also, I'd like to dedicate this update to Sooki28 because she said Puhlease.**

"So," Berg said, straddling a chair backwards as he helped himself to the last slice of Jackie and Donna's pizza, "what did I hear you two stunning ladies say about a house hunt?"

Donna flipped her red hair over her shoulder (she had recently returned to her true colours) and faced her tall blonde inquisitor.

"Oh, we're just thinking of looking for an apartment here in New Boston. You guys wouldn't happen to know of any places, would you?"

Pete's eyes were trained on the small but comely brunette as he said, "As a matter of fact, an apartment has just opened up in our building."

"Really?"

"Yeah! You should come and check it out."

Jackie and Donna shared a why-not look and a shrug. "What the hell? I guess it can't do any harm," Jackie agreed. "Just so long as neither of you two are psycho killers."

A heavy-set middle-aged man came over to their table and put a hand on each of Berg and Pete's shoulders. "Don't you worry, my dear. I can personally vouch for the mental health of each of these fine young men."

"Thanks, Mr Bauer," Berg said.

"So you girls are thinking of moving out here? Sometimes it's good to get a change of scenery… I once took a job as a winter caretaker, in an old hotel in the mountains of Colorado. I thought I could work on my novel, spend some quality time with my family. All work and no play made Jack a dull boy!"

"Alright, well, on that note," Pete said, hastily taking off his apron and grabbing his coat, "shall we?"

As the four young people made a quick exit, Mr Bauer continued to gaze vacantly into space. "I still don't know what came over me."

……………………………………………………………

As Donna and Jackie walked ahead, Pete hissed to Berg "Let me guess, it was you that slipped Bauer a video tape of The Shining."

Berg grinned at his best friend. "I wanted it to be a surprise for you." Pete continued to fix Berg with his best I-hate-you scowl until Berg threw up his hands in defeat. "Alright. I admit it. My name is Berg and I'm addicted to messing with Pete."

"Cut it out, Berg. I want to make a good impression with Jackie."

"Jackie, huh?" Berg repeated. "Is she 'the one' in your long line of 'ones'?"

"She could be. And if she moves into our building, I'll have plenty of opportunities to find out." Pete nudged Berg suggestively. "That Donna is a looker, hey? She'd be just about up to your height, which is hard to find. And I know you have a thing for redheads."

"What? Who told you that?" Berg said defensively. "I happen to be very egalitarian in my choice of women's hair colour."

"Then how come I keep picking long curly red hairs off your clothes when I'm doing the laundry?" Pete asked. "Are they from that sex buddy you've been so secretive about?"

"Hey, don't call her that, OK," Berg said sharply. "It's demeaning."

"But you do have one, right?"

"Damn straight," Berg replied with a satisfied smile, which then turned into a frown. "That is, until the other night. Yeah, she was getting too clingy so I told her, hey, it's over, deal with it."

"Man, you're such a player," Pete said with reluctant admiration.

"Yep. Lone wolf, that's me."

Meanwhile, Jackie and Donna were having their own private conference.

"This neighbourhood is so sophisticated and – scholarly! It would be so great to have my address in a university town. It sounds so smart. I don't know why people bother going to University, just living close to one gives you enough prestige to impress everyone."

"And here I am wasting 3 years of my life getting a degree," Donna said, shaking her head.

"That's alright for you and Eric, Donna," Jackie said kindly. "When you don't have stunning looks to fall back on, it's wise to get those extra credentials."

"You're so sweet." Donna cast a look back at the two young men behind them. "You know, I think Pete and Berg may have got the impression that we're looking for an apartment just for us."

"Why?"

"Because you never mentioned Hyde back there when Berg was telling us about medical school and Pete about how he just completed his fireman training. Not to mention the way Pete was looking at you the same way Fez looks at a chocolate deluxe sundae which makes me think he doesn't know you're spoken for."

"So, they think it's just you and me, two single young women making it on their own in the big bad city?" Jackie smiled at the notion. "I like that. We'd be just like Laverne and Shirley, except for the whole working in a bottle factory thing. I'm not sure what my career path is yet but I'm pretty certain it doesn't involve bottles."

"Jackie, you have to tell Pete you're engaged," Donna remonstrated. "Otherwise you're leading him on."

"Think about it, Donna," Jackie said. "If we tell them the truth and this vacant apartment is as good as they say, then they might not let us have it but save it for the next two hot single girls who come along." Jackie checked Donna with her hip. "C'mon, Laverne. Go along with this and I could be livng 5 minutes away from you. Wouldn't that be great?"

"Great is a strong word," Donna said in the manner of one having second thoughts. "And why do I have to be Laverne?"

Jackie rolled her eyes. "Hello, planet earth to Donna! Who else would you be? The petite and feminine Shirley? Don't worry about Pete. As soon as we've settled this apartment thing, I'll tell him about Steven. Which reminds me…" Jackie pulled off her engagement ring, slipped it onto her gold chain and then hid it under her sweater. "Ta dah! Now we are Jackie and Donna, two hot and single ladies that are open for business."

Donna made a face. "What, are we going to start a brothel?"

"Ew, gross! Although it wouldn't hurt you to flirt with Berg a little. And do you really need to button your shirt so high?"

"Jackie!"

"What? A woman has to use her best weapons, Donna. And it's no secret the guys are all impressed by those two bazookas you hide under your flannel."

"Alright, that's it." Donna said, turning around as if to go back home. She was forestalled when Pete announced that they were here and Jackie grabbed her arm, anchoring her back to the determined midget's side.

"That's wonderful. We can't wait to see this place," Jackie cooed, batting her eyelashes at Pete. "Donna was just saying how amazing it would be to live next door to Berg."

"Oh really?" Berg replied with a smirk. When Donna said nothing, Jackie promptly stood on her toe.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Donna yelped, wincing in pain.

"I don't know, Donna," Berg said, shaking his head ruefully. "You and me? We're so different – you're a woman, I'm a man… Oh to hell with it, let them judge us."

Just then a short girl emerged through the front door of the apartment building. She had bright blue eyes, long curly red hair and was wearing a bright pink snowsuit with a lime green hat. The strange thing was that although she was a crazy clash of colours, somehow it just suited her. Pete groaned when he spotted her.

"Oh man, not now!" He turned to Jackie. "That's Irene, she lives in the building and she's had this insane crush on me since she moved in," Pete explained.

"Don't call her insane," Berg said shortly. "Irene is a wonderful person. She is sweet, she is caring and in the opinion of the court no longer a danger to herself or society."

Pete looked at Berg strangely. "Whatever. I'm just saying to Jackie, don't be surprised if she flies into one of her jealous rages when she sees me in the company of a beautiful young lady like yourself." Jackie stepped a little closer towards the protection of Donna as she eyed the small redhead at the top of the stairs.

"What's going on here?" Irene asked, her eyes trained on the two girls.

"Now Irene, I want you to stay calm – don't make a scene." Pete approached her cautiously, holding up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "The truth is that these girls may be interested in the vacant apartment – and possibly dating us. Now, like I've told you, I think of you as my neighbour and almost a friend so please don't embarrass yourself by – "

Irene cut through his diatribe. "Berg, can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Berg said, quickly following her into the building and then into her apartment while Pete stood out on the stoop, wondering what the hell just happened.

"What is it now, Irene?" Berg said, a hard edge in his voice.

"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to see how you are."

"Why? Because last night you told me it was over and I should just deal with it? Like_ that_ would cause me any heartache."

"That's good."

"Good."

Irene looked as though words were building up inside of her until the volcano had to erupt. "Cut the ribbon, Berg! Who is she and what are you doing showing her that apartment?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Berg said, fixing a cold eye on the only girlfriend who had ever dumped him. His one consolation was that nobody knew of their affair, as they had conducted it in strict secrecy since Irene still had feelings for Pete and did not want to jeopardize her chances with him. That had been fine with Berg when he had looked on Irene as a sex buddy but somewhere along the way, against all odds, his feelings had somehow become… deeper. Which was crazy, because when had he ever been deep?

Irene crossed her arms and gave her former lover the evil eye. "I think I have a right to know!"

Berg curled his lip at her. "Well, file a complaint with the I-blew-my-shot-with-Berg committee and we'll review it." Walking out the door, he threw back over his shoulder, "In the meantime, I have a new neighbour to befriend."

Irene bubbled with frustration as her door slammed behind her ex.

……………………………………………………………

"So, over here we have the living room which opens out to the balcony," Pete continued, giving Donna and Jackie the grand tour.

"This place is gorgeous," Jackie enthused. "So, what are the other neighbours like?"

"Well, everybody in the building is in their twenties, has a gift for witty verbal sparring and is exceptionally good looking," Pete answered. "Funny, it's never occurred to me what a strange coincidence that is until now."

"Wow, Steven and I will fit in perfectly," Jackie exclaimed, clapping her hands in excitement.

"Steven?" Pete said. "Who's Steven?"

"Ah… that's just my nickname for Donna," Jackie covered, linking her arm in her friend's. "You know, because she's so mannish. Right – Steven?"

Donna looked down with steely eye on her friend. "Yeah, sure. Like the way I call you by your middle name – Beulah."

Jackie gasped in outrage. "Lumberjack!"

"Midget!"

Pete regarded the two girls with new eyes. _So, that's the way they swing!_

Berg entered the room, followed by a very pretty woman with short blonde hair and a handsome working-man type. "Look who I found," Berg said. "Sharon, Johnny, this is Donna and Jackie. They're thinking of renting this place."

"Hi," they all said together.

"Sharon went to college with Berg and I," Pete explained, "We've been friends ever since."

"Yeah, she's the girl to our two guys," Berg added.

"It's nice to meet you," Donna said politely. "You know, I'll be starting college next month. I'm going to take journalism and become a writer."

"That's great," Sharon said. "Where do you want to go from there?"

"I'm hoping to freelance, sell stories on cool rock bands to Rolling Stone, uncover political corruption for the New York Times. That kind of thing."

"Good for you. When I was at college, I majored in environmental issues," Sharon said reminiscently. "I was going to learn how to save the planet and make the world a better place."

"Really? So what do you do now?"

"She's the press agent for this big corporate chemical company," Johnny supplied. "When there's a chemical spill in the Galapagos Islands, she's the one to spin it so you'd think those turtles really lucked out, having some experimental goop clean all the algae off their shells."

Sharon sighed sadly. "I know. I'm selling my soul!"

"But you make like a bzillion dollars doing it," Berg pointed out.

"Ugh, I hate myself!"

"But you love your Beamer!" Pete reminded

Sharon sat up, newly energized. "Love it!" She did a little dance while her husband looked on fondly. That was when Jackie noticed their wedding rings.

"Oh, are you two married?" she asked.

"For the last six months," Johnny confirmed, putting an arm around his wife.

"Oh, that is sweet! I can't wait until Steven and I get married."

Pete looked at Jackie and Donna doubtfully. "Is that legal in Wisconsin?"

Jackie gave a weak laugh. "Yes, well… anyhow, this place is lovely. Donna and I just need a little time to think it over. Perhaps we could come back tomorrow? I'd like to show this place to a friend of mine before I make any decision."

"Sure," Pete said. "Meet you here at 5 o'clock?"

"We'll see you then." Jackie grabbed Donna's hand and tugged her through the front door. "Bye!"

"So, is Jackie 'the one'" Berg asked Pete.

"Unfortunately, it turns out we have too much in common," Pete sighed. "We both like girls."

"Too bad, man."

"Ah well. There is a bright side. After all, the next best thing to living next to two hot girls who like you is living next to two hot girls who like each other. Think of the fantasies, guys!"

"Yeah!" Berg and Johnny agreed with wide smiles.

"Ugh," Sharon said. "I can see why some women give up on your gender."

……………………………………………………………

"So," Eric said as Donna entered the basement. "Where have you been all day?"

"Apartment hunting," Donna replied.

"What, Jackie roped you into that?" Hyde said, looking up from his magazine. "I thought you were smarter than that, Donna."

"Well, I guess your opinion of my intelligence is really going to take a nosedive when I confess that it was my idea." The two guys laughed at the notion. "Yeah, I know. This morning I had this crazy idea that we all could live in New Boston together. Now, five hours later, I find myself cast in the role of Jackie's lesbian fiancé."

"Oh Donna," Hyde said with a big open mouthed smile. "Just let me grab some of my finest and you will tell us every incredible, titillating detail about your day."

_One hour later…_

Jackie walked into the smokey basement to find Hyde, Eric and Donna rolling around on the floor laughing so hard they were fighting for breath.

"Hey guys. What's so funny? Oh, what am I talking about, you guys are so ripped you'd probably laugh at Bob's jokes."

"H-h-hey, Jacks," Hyde wheezed, pulling himself up onto his chair and then sitting Jackie down on his lap. "Donna told us you guys were looking at an apartment today." Jackie shot a quick look at Donna who was avoiding her eye. "She said you wanted me to go have a look at it tomorrow."

"Is that all she told you?" Jackie asked suspiciously.

"What more is there to tell?"

"Nothing," Jackie said quickly. "Nothing at all."

"So then, the four of us will drive up there tomorrow?" Eric said casually.

Jackie looked at Eric quizzically. "You want to come, Eric?"

"Oh, I wouldn't miss this."

……………………………………………………………

"So, what do you think, Steven? Isn't this a great place to live?"

"It looks OK from the outside," Hyde admitted. The four friends were standing outside the apartment building, perusing the exterior. "Shall we meet the neighbours?"

"Yes, one thing before we go in," Jackie said uneasily, shooting a look at Donna. "I think it would be best if we don't tell the people we're meeting that you and I are a couple."

"And why is that, Jackie?" Hyde asked patiently.

"Oh, silly thing, these two guys are renting it out and I think they'll give us a much better deal if they think it's two girls signing on instead of a guy and a girl. But as soon as the bargain is struck I'll come clean." She snuggled up to Hyde seductively. "I'm just trying to save you money, baby."

"Well, that's a nice change," Hyde said. "Okay then, let the games begin."

As they entered the foyer, Irene came out of her apartment. She stopped when she saw Donna. "Oh, it's _you_!"

"Uh… hi, Irene, isn't it?"

"Hi," Irene said in sweet tones. "It's so nice to meet a new friend of Berg's. I want to know _all _about you. So, tell me, what's your address?" The steely look in her eyes made Donna grab Eric's sleeve and start knocking on Pete and Berg's door. Irene huffed at her quarry's escape and retreated to her apartment.

"Hey Pete, Hey Berg," Jackie greeted cheerfully. "I'd like you to meet our friends, Eric and Hyde."

"Good to meet you guys," Pete said, shaking their hands. After he had given the two men a tour of the apartment, Pete remarked "You all must be close friends, if Jackie and Dona need your opinion on which apartment to rent."

"Well, you see Pete," Eric explained, a devilish light in his eyes. "Even though Jackie and Donna like to assume some roles that are traditionally the province of men, they still respect our opinion. Which is good – I like to think a man has _some _use in their lives."

Jackie looked at Eric, mystified. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't play dumb, Beulah," Hyde said. "We've long come to terms with the special bond you have with your _Steven_." He nodded significantly towards Donna. Jackie's mouth fell open in shock, especially when Donna came over and put her arm around Jackie.

"Enough of this pretence, my little passionflower," Donna said, crushing Jackie to her bosom. "If we are going to live here, we should declare our love openly. Now stop hiding that engagement ring I gave you and wear it like a proud gay woman should." Before Jackie knew what was happening, Donna had pulled the hidden engagement ring off Jackie's necklace and was kneeling before her on bended knee. However, Donna found her hand was shaking too much with suppressed laughter to put the ring on Jackie's finger and suddenly the dam had burst and Hyde, Eric and Donna were shouting great gusts of hilarity.

Jackie looked around at her three friends and a mystified Pete and Berg with glittering eyes. "You… you… Laverne!" she screamed at Donna, grabbing her ring back and running out the front door.

When he had caught his breath, Hyde straightened up and said "I'd better go after her."

"Wait, Hyde," Donna said, "What do you think of the apartment? Do you want it?"

"What, and spend two hours commuting every day?" Hyde asked with raised eyebrows. "Are you crazy?" Then he was gone.

"Well, that was a big waste of time," Donna said, plopping onto the sofa.

"I don't get it. What happened here?" Pete asked.

"You want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened," Berg declared, the light of inspiration in his eyes. "Sometimes people are drawn together by a force greater than themselves into a relationship some close-minded people would call unnatural, but when is love something unnatural? Donna, your bravery just now has inspired me to make my own confession – I love Irene!"

Pete fell to a crouching position on the floor, gasping in horror. "Berg – NO! She's so weird and obsessive and no-one ever knows what crazy thing she's going to do next! And you're so…" Pete thought about it for a moment. "Huh. Actually, now I think about it, you are kind of well matched."

"Thank you for your blessing, my friend," Berg said. "Now I am going to get my woman."

As Berg marched out the door purposefully, Donna turned to Pete. "Do you think I should tell him that it was all a joke and Jackie and I aren't really lovers?"

Pete shook his head sadly, this last revelation leaving him a broken man. "Let him keep his illusions, Donna. Be content in having taken mine away."

"Sorry, man," Eric said in sympathy. "That was harsh."

**UP NEXT, THE FINAL PIECE OF MY APARTMENT SEARCH TRILOGY: FRIENDS**


	11. Friends

**A.N. I took my time with this chapter because I knew the critics would come down hard on me if I messed up a show as universally revered as Friends. I was happy to squeeze many of my favourite quotes into this chapter, most of which are Chandler's lines because the writers adored that guy, judging from the material he was given. Anyhow, please reassure me that I have risen to the challenge in your many opinions by REVIEWING. (P.S. I'll be back with another chapter of Life As A House next week).**

Chapter 11 – Friends

A young couple walked up the stairs of an apartment building to stand before a dark green door. It was clear that the male portion of the couple was not happy to be there, and even his usually perky girlfriend had a weary look to her, as though this was a scene they had run through too many times.

"Jackie, I swear, if this apartment doesn't work out for us, I am going out into the alley and staking a claim on the first empty cardboard box I see."

"Steven, I know we've looked at a lot of apartments but I'm sure the perfect one is out there for us. With the perfect friends."

"Perfect friends," Hyde scoffed. "There's no such thing."

Jackie pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her jacket pocket. "OK, Janet said to go to this apartment and ask for Chandler Bing. She left the keys with him for the empty apartment next door." She rapped on the door and it was soon opened by a square-faced man in his 20's.

"Yes?"

**"**Uh, is your name Chandler?" Jackie asked.

**"**Uh, yes, yes it is."

**"**Chandler Bing?"

**"**Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?"

"We're Steven and Jackie," Hyde interjected. "Our realtor said you were holding the keys for the empty place next door."

"Oh, yeah, sure. Come on in, I'll just go get them."

They followed Chandler into his apartment. Jackie raised an approving eyebrow at the large porcelein dog in the corner, Hyde raised an approving eyebrow at the two excessively comfortable Barca loungers in front of the big-screen TV. Just then an extremely handsome young man walked in from the bedroom.

"Hey Chandler, have you seen the duck lately? It's really weird, I haven't seen him since thanksgiving at Mrs Levitz's in 26B – remember how she made such a point of us bringing him over the night before?"

"I knew that turkey tasted funny," Chandler said, snapping his fingers.

"Do you think she got to the chick as well?"

"Nah, he's sulking in the back. See, before he disappeared **t**he duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first."

Just then Joey caught sight of Jackie who was regarding him with wide eyes. At once he brought out his best line. "How you doin'?"

"Whatever she's doin', it's with me," Hyde cut in with a frown.

"Oh my God, you're Dr Drake Ramorez!" Jacke squealed, jumping up and down. "I just love your show." She turned to Hyde. "He plays my favourite character on my favourite soap. That line you said on yesterday's episode gave me chills – you know, when the nurse said, _you're the only one who can save her Drake._"

"Oh yeah," Joey said with a wide grin. He supplied the next line in a melodramatic voice, "_Dammit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God._ "

**"**Well, there goes my whole belief system," Chandler said. He tossed some keys up in the air, dropped them and then casually picked them up as if he meant to do that. "So, you ready to look at that apartment?"

They agreed and all four trooped over to the apartment next door. To the homeless couple's relief, it was significantly better than a cardboard box. In spite of Joey's initial flirtation with Jackie, which Hyde recognized as an automatic Kelso-like response more than any real threat, he found the two men quite likeable, although he did wonder exactly what was the nature of their relationship (with a name like 'Chandler', either him or his parents had to be gay). But Jackie was not crazy about living in a boy's club.

"Aren't there any girls who would be our neighbours?" she asked.

Before Chandler could answer, Joey stiffened like a bloodhound catching the scent. "Oh. My. God," he cried.

"Hey, that's my line," Chandler was indignant.

"Do you smell that?" Joey's face broke into a wide grin. "It's jam!" At once he burst into a sprint and tore out of the apartment, barely slowing to open the door of the opposite apartment.

"To answer your question, Jackie, yes, we do allow females in the building, although the Tenants Association prefers that they be kept quiet and not shed too much hair." He led the way at a more relaxed pace to the opposite apartment. "Allow me to introduce you to our favourite three."

Jackie and Hyde walked into an apartment, which had much more of a feminine touch than Chandler and Joey's, to find Joey having his knuckles rapped by a striking brunette in an apron.

"Joey, keep your fingers out of my jam pot," she ordered. She then saw the young couple with Chandler. "Oh, you must be the couple that were checking out 22B! I'm Monica Geller and this is my roommate, Rachel Green."

"Hi," a beautiful golden-brown haired girl greeted, putting down her Cosmo magazine. Jackie quickly scanned her from her perfectly set hair, designer clothes down to her Manilo Blancs and recognized a kindred spirit.

"Omigod, I love your jacket," Jackie cried. "Is that Ralph Lauren?" Rachel nodded proudly. "I don't recognize it from the catalogue."

"It's not out yet," Rachel explained. "I'm head of marketing at their Milwaukee office so I get all these free samples to test out." She motioned towards her bedroom. "Would you like a sneak peek at the new Fall line?"

Jackie's mouth fell open in awe, then she turned to Steven and announced, deadly serious, "We _have_ to move here."

Before Hyde could respond, Monica chimed in, "Oh, that would be great! We could use some new blood around here You probably wouldn't understand, but we're all such close friends that we don't often get the chance to meet new people."

"We understand better than you think," Hyde said.

"Also, then we'd have another couple to do couple-y stuff with," Chandler added.

"Oh, who are you dating?" Jackie asked.

Before Chandler could answer, Joey interrupted. He had been stealing finger swipes from the jam pot bubbling on the stove while Monica was distracted with the new guests. "Why don't we ever have jam?" Joey said accusingly to Chandler, licking his sticky fingers.

"Because the kids need new shoes," Chandler answered in a mock-housewife voice.

"Oh right," Hyde said, enlightened. "I thought that might be how it is."

"What? No! I'm with Monica," Chandler corrected with a touch of anxiety. "Why do people keep assuming I'm gay?" Just then the front door opened once more and a good-looking (though slightly-geeky) man entered with an attractive blonde whose hair was held together by a complicated arrangement of braids, hair clips and ribbons. They were both dressed smartly. "Well, don't we look nice," Chandler complimented. When everybody just looked at him, he said sadly, "It's because I say things like that, isn't it?"

"Ross and Phoebe, meet Steven and Jackie," Monica introduced.

"Everyone calls me Hyde," Hyde corrected, shaking hands.

"No problem," Ross said knowingly. "Everyone calls me Dr Geller."

"Who calls you that?" Monica asked.

"People who respect the importance of paleontology." Everybody just looked at him until he caved. "Fine, everyone calls me Ross."

"What exactly is paleontology?" Jackie asked. "Is that like using pastels as colour contrast? Because maybe that's something I could try."

"Nah, it's all about studying mouldy old dinosaur bones and fish fossils," Phoebe explained. "Ross only got into it because in college everybody was like 'you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major.' So, on a dare, he picked paleontology. So what do you do, Jackie?"

"I'm not really sure. I've been trying various lines of work but I haven't found anything that really suits me."

"Oh, I know!" Phoebe cried excitedly. "You should get a teaching degree and become a second grade teacher. That would be perfect for you!"

"Why second grade?" Hyde asked.

"It's so much better than first grade when you don't know what's going on and definitely better than third grade. Y'know, with all the politics and mind games."

When Jackie looked to be actually considering the idea, Hyde murmured in her ear "Remember little Jackie."

"Hey, that kid disappeared on Donna's watch, not mine," Jackie reminded. "As far as the Big Sister program is concerned, I was a role model. Or at least legally unchargeable."

"Anyhow, we were thinking we'd get some coffee and hang out at this little café we always go to," Rachel interposed. "Yeah, it has great atmosphere and this really comfy couch and armchairs that by lucky chance are always empty whenever we walk in. Would you two like to join us?"

Hyde and Jackie looked at each other for a moment, smiled and then said together, "Yes."

……………………………………………………………

_One week later…_

"Hey, have any of you morons seen Jackie?" Donna asked as she entered the basement. "She was supposed to help me pick out some new clothes for college but I haven't seen her all week."

"Tell me about it," Kelso groused. "Hyde has totally gone to ground since he and Jackie found that new apartment last week. I mean, Fez and I had to graffiti Officer Slater's garden wall on our own last night and because Hyde didn't show up there was no-one to remind us not to sign our names." Kelso shook his head morosely. "Turns out my old drill sergeant is not an art lover."

"I fear Jackie and Hyde have been lured away by those… _Friends_," Fez said with loathing. "This is all their fault."

"What, you mean those people they met when they were looking at that new apartment?" Kelso asked. "What's wrong with them?"

"Nothing is wrong with them," Fez said. "That's the problem."

"I think Fez may have a point," Eric unexpectedly agreed. "From the things they've said about them, it sounds like their new buddies do tend to show us up."

"I had no idea you guys were so insecure," Donna laughed. "As if two people as socially offensive as Hyde and Jackie would ever find friends as tolerant of their quirks as we are."

"Maybe they're at the Hub," Kelso suggested. "We should go looking for them."

"You don't care about Hyde and Jackie, all you are thinking about is your stomach," Fez declared. He shared a look with Kelso. "Damn, I have to respect that."

Soon the four friends were heading off to the same hamburger joint that had been their traditional hang-out since they were kids. On the way to their destination, however, they happened to pass a cosy little café called Central Perk and what Donna saw when she casually glanced through the large plate glass window sent her into a goggle-eyed double-take; there was the missing couple, laughing and sipping cappuccinos, surrounded by their new friends.

"Eric, look!" She grabbed her scrawny boyfriend and pushed his face up against the window.

"Oh my God," Eric cried, taking in the sight. "Hyde is laughing - and there isn't anyone bleeding or humiliated in sight."

"And look at Jackie – she just accepted a coffee from that waitress without insulting her polyester shirt."

"Guys, this is serious," Kelso announced. "If we don't take drastic measures, those people – four of who are almost as good looking as _me_ – could steal our friends away."

"It's whom," Donna said.

"No, really? What did I say?"

"Who."

"Well, now I feel foolish," Kelso said. "Thanks a lot, Donna."

"It takes bad grammar to make him feel foolish?" Eric monologued.

"My friends, as usual you have not only missed the point but it has skipped past you, blowing raspberries as you drive your car over the cliff of shut-the-hell-up," Fez interrupted. The three young people stared at him, incomprehension written over their faces. He pointed frantically at the window. "Hyde? Jackie? Remember the mission?"

"Oh shit," Eric said tensely, glancing through the window again. He turned back to his friends, white-faced. "Hyde just crossed his legs – not just the regular way either but that way where you have one ankle balanced on one knee."

"It may already be too late," Kelso gasped.

"Don't say that," Fez cried, grasping Kelso by his shirtfront and shaking him.

"C'mon, men," Donna ordered, grasping the door handle tightly. "We're going in."

As the four friends approached the intimate gathering from behind, Eric murmured "Look at them, acting all grown up and sophisticated. They're probably chatting about the new line-up at the opera house, or the latest bill before the senate."

"You know what's weird," Chandler said contemplatively. "Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?" The Friends, including Jackie and Hyde, all nodded sagely at his observation.

"Yeah, that was really over our heads," Donna snarked to the boys. She turned her head sharply. "Kelso, stop nodding!"

"What? He makes a good point."

"Why, look who's here," Eric said loudly, drawing the attention of the close-knit group. "It's _our _old friends, Hyde and Jackie. Who we've known for _years_. Hey, aren't you going to introduce us to this wonderful bunch of… strangers?"

"Uh… sure. Foreman, Kelso, Fez and Donna, meet Ross, Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Joey and Chandler."

"Oh sure, he uses _their _first names," Eric muttered. "Me, I'm just _Foreman_."

"Foreman, huh?" Chandler said. "I don't know – looks like only three men to me." A lone wolf howled in the distance. "Oh come on, people, they can't all be gold."

"Hi," Donna planted herself in between Jackie and Rachel on the couch, forcing Rachel to move over. "I'm Jackie's _best_ friend, Donna."

"Really?" Rachel replied uncertainly, her eyes darting between Jackie in her perfectly fitted pants suit and Donna in her jeans and oversized plaid shirt. Then she looked up at Donna's intimidating face. "Of course you are! Why, you two go together like… like chocolate cake and mustard."

"Donna, Rachel just invited me and the other girls to the Milwaukee Spring Fashion Show next Saturday," Jackie said excitedly. "Isn't that great?"

"Oh, afterwards we should go to Delmonico's for a high tea," Phoebe proposed.

"Ooh, I love high teas!" Monica declared. "All those tiny sandwiches with the scones and the little cakes and a big bowl of cream you dip everything into."

Chandler looked at his girlfriend fondly. "There's just a big ol' fat girl in there trying to come out, isn't there?"

"Would you like to come, Dana?" Rachel asked politely.

"It's Donna," the redhead growled. "And no thanks."

"Fashion isn't really Donna's strong suit," Jackie broke in, patting Donna's hand sympathetically. "But hey, next time there's a tree-felling competition or some sweaty sports thing we'll all be there with you."

"In spirit," Rachel amended.

"Well, obviously."

"Actually, it's good timing that you four have joined us," Ross said to the newcomers. "You're just in time for an historic moment. Hyde and Jackie were about to sign the lease for their new apartment."

"Oh, this is so exciting," Phoebe cried, clapping her hands. "Once you move in, then you'll really be one of us."

Eric, Donna, Kelso and Fez exchanged horrified expressions. Their two friends would be taken over by these pod people? They could not let that happen.

"Joey, could you hand me the lease?" Hyde asked, motioning to the papers on the table in front of Joey.

"I wish I could, Hyde, but as you can see, I'm swamped," Joey prevaricated, lounging in his armchair.

"Let me get that for you, buddy," Eric said, whisking the document away. "Ah hah!"

"What's with the Ah hah's, Eric?" Jackie asked, puzzled. "Did you just see a spider or something?"

"A spider," Chandler yelped. "Where? Monica, kill it!"

"No, I mean 'Ah hah' as in 'I have now confiscated this infernal document which was in grave danger of yuppiefying you both'." Eric made a self-deprecating gesture. "No need to thank me."

"Foreman, will you quit with your babbling and just hand over the damn lease," Hyde demanded. "I want to get this sorted out so we'll be all moved in when our new coffee machine is delivered."

"The Kruffs 3000 was an excellent choice," Ross commended.

"Do you think so? I wasn't sure if the foam attachment was as good as the earlier model."

"Will you listen to yourself," Eric cried. "Hyde, this isn't you! You don't sit around in cafes sipping cappuccinos and chatting with guys in business suits."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Hyde denied.

"Hyde, man, it's written all over your face," Kelso said sadly. He swiped a finger over Hyde's upper lip and held up the evidence. "See – milk foam."

"That… that doesn't prove anything!"

"And Jackie," Donna said sternly. "Since when do you prefer scones and crumpets to a cheeseburger?"

"They both make a good case," Jackie said weakly.

"Hey, I've got a question for you two," Fez joined in, unexpectedly delivering the killing blow. "Just tell me this – when was the last time you two had a circle?"

Jackie and Hyde exchanged a stunned look as realization washed over them. "We.. we've just been so busy," she protested.

"A circle?" Ross said curiously. "Hey, we love a good circle, don't we guys?"

The six Point Place Friends looked with surprise at the six Apartment Friends. "You do?"

"Sure, in fact Gunther has everything we'll need behind the counter. Chandler, you clear the table and I'll just go and get it."

"You see?" Hyde said, nodding with approval. "I told you these guys were cool. They even hang out in a café that allows circles. How badass is that?"

"Here it is," Ross called, holding a square box in his arms. "Is everyone in the circle? Great, let's begin." He placed the box in the centre of the table. In large cursive letters the box read "Trivial Pursuit".

"I call blue," Joey said.

"You were blue last time," Chandler whined. "It's my turn."

Hyde backed away in horror. "Eric," he whispered. "Do you still have that lease?"

"Yeah."

"Good." He shared a look with Jackie before saying, "Give it to Kelso."

Without another word Eric passed the papers to Kelso. "Why are you giving it to me?" Kelso asked, unsure of his role, until he tripped over a tiny coffee table, sending the lease sailing through the air onto the gas burner of the kitchen stove, where it promptly disintegrated into ashes. "Ohhh. I see."

Slowly they backed away from the people who were now so caught up in rolling dice and trying to guess the native language of Mesopotamia they did not notice them leave.

"Man, that was close," Eric said as they walked out into the fresh air.

"Steven, do you think we made the right decision?" Jackie asked doubtfully. "After all, they were all so funny and charming and sweet to each other. We could have had that."

"Jackie, you know I don't do sweet," Hyde reminded her.

"Except with me," she corrected, taking his hand and smiling up at him.

He relented and dropped a quick kiss on her lips. "You are always my exception."

"Except now we are homeless again," his girlfriend sighed.

"Hey, Kelso; is that apartment in your building still up for grabs?"

"You bet it is," Kelso answered with a big grin.

"What do you say, Jacks?"

Jackie looked around at the four eager faces, smiled and surrendered. "I say nothing beats old friends."

After the cheering had died down (as well as the embarrassing outburst of happy tears from Fez), Hyde said "Who wants to go to the hub? I could really use a cheeseburger."

**UP NEXT: IT'S A SURPRISE (WHICH IS KEZZTIP SPEAK FOR I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND YET BUT I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING)**


End file.
